Apr 232016
 

The problem with sleeping a lot and randomly is that time somehow disappears so one day it’s February and then suddenly it’s the middle of April.

I’ve been very up and down the last few weeks. Still got issues with the care agency. ESA form is in so I’m waiting to hear if I’m still in the support group, and if so for how long. Some time spent on my computer but nowhere near as much as I’d like, and not at all for about two weeks until this week. I’ve not been in my chair much either, though did go into the living room for a bit and outside for 5 minutes to try and spot the International Space Station (and failed due to clouds) at the beginning of the month. I’m hoping to be able to go properly out again soon. Esther has moved out, as our flat was just too small for the three of us, especially with my health being affected by everything (she was a great flatmate, and her new place is better for work so I’m hoping it goes well for her).

Easter was good. Eggs and bunnies were bought and eaten. I managed to watch the church service on the telly which was awesome as I miss going to church. I’ve looked into inclusive church services that happen at a time that I can actually get to them (there’s no chance of me getting anywhere for 10am, especially on a Sunday) and I’ve found one that looks really promising, so when I have the spoons I’m hoping to email them about the stuff I need to know (how accessible is it, whether there’s a set routine or service I can learn and follow, how noisy it gets). Emails are hard even when I know what I want to say.

April is also autism awareness/acceptance month. I’ve done pretty much nothing for it, other than speak to my GP for help with my anxiety and ways of coping before I end up in meltdown (unfortunately happening all too regularly due to care agency stuff, like being yelled at by a care worker, or someone I don’t know letting themselves into our flat and into my bedroom with no notice, name or ID- the first I knew of it was when I rolled over and she was there, as I had earplugs in). I think this was the first time I’d told a doctor about my meltdowns, as when they happened once a year it wasn’t that important for them to know. It’s also in my care plan now, along with what to do (leave me alone and if Johan is in, get him- it might be scary seeing me hit or bite myself but I’m not likely to hurt myself too badly and the worst thing you can do is talk to me or try and touch me). Unfortunately most of my coping/prevention methods involve things I can’t do due to being so ill with ME, so I’m not sure what to do, especially when our ways of trying to prevent them (like telling the care agency not to use the key safe except for care calls, and to contact us in advance before turning up) are being ignored.

My GP was awesome as always. She seemed to understand that a meltdown is different from a panic attack (though I still get plenty of them, normally at night when the neighbours are arguing). She’s not got many ideas yet, but she’s going to see if there’s someone who understands autism who may be able to help me come up with some coping strategies. I don’t get why I’m so nervous about seeing her when she’s always so nice and tries to help, even though I’m not the easiest person in the world to deal with (yay neurological illness with no currently known effective treatment and communication difficulties due to autism!). She even sorted out an antihistamine prescription for Johan even though it was my appointment.

I’m still getting used to the side effects of cetirizine I’m taking for hay fever (even though there are no leaves on my tree yet there’s definitely pollen around). Mostly extra drowsiness and dopiness, though it might also be why I’m getting worse headaches than normal. Luckily it’s nothing that I can’t cope with and it’s worth it so my eyes aren’t as sore and itchy.

I got selected from the waitlist to buy Here Active Listening ear buds. They work well for what I want them for (turn down certain noises while still being able to hear what I want, such as turning down background noise while still being able to hear speech) but only when I can actually get them working with my tablet. Unfortunately the left one doesn’t seem to like turning on every time and I’ve had difficulties getting it to connect to my bluetooth, but I’m hoping that it’s just teething issues and they’ll work better soon.

I’ve also recently updated my tablet to Android Marshmallow from Lollipop. While doing so I took the time to encrypt it, so it’s now more secure (though I’ve also turned on smart lock so when I’m at home with it then it’ll automatically stay unlocked, as typing in the password every time would be too much for me). The only bug I’ve found is that the IR Blaster doesn’t seem to be working, which means I can no longer control my telly from my tablet. When I’m not able to press the buttons on the remote myself I’m needing Johan to do it for me. Hopefully that’ll be fixed soon, or I’ll have to look into a touchscreen remote control.

I’m getting excited for Overwatch coming out next month. I’m hoping I’ll be able to get on my computer to play it, as I preordered it. I’m probably going to be terrible but it looks fun anyhow. Today I managed to get my Diablo Wizard to level 70, which only took a couple of years. Hopefully I won’t take as long with my next character πŸ˜›

I’ve been enjoying watching the Penguin Cam at Edinburgh Zoo, which shows the gentoo penguins and their stone nests. Watching the penguins mate has been interesting, especially as they keep being interrupted by other penguins wanting to steal their stones while they’re doing so. There are quite a few eggs now and hopefully in the next month or so there will be some chicks. Until then there’s lots of stone stealing from nests, and occasionally the king penguins invade, especially at feeding time.

 Posted by at 12:54 pm

Stickman Communications: When Brain Fog Clouds My Words

 Autism, Danni, Important Stuff, M.E., Physical Disability, Real Life  Comments Off on Stickman Communications: When Brain Fog Clouds My Words
Feb 052016
 

I’ve been wanting to blog about the communication issues I’m having, but not been able to. Luckily* I’m not the only one who has these problems, so I can just link to Hannah’s blog post about it instead. This describes what I experience pretty well.

http://stickmancommunications.blogspot.co.uk/2016/02/when-brain-fog-clouds-my-words.html

*I wish no-one had to experience this stuff, but I do feel a bit better knowing I’m not the only one.

 Posted by at 11:12 pm
Jan 012016
 

Happy New Year!

Belated Merry Christmas and Happy Newtonmas πŸ™‚ I had a good Christmas, followed by a short crash but luckily we got things sorted quickly enough it only lasted a few days and I’m back to nearly Danni-normal again πŸ™‚

This month has been up and down a bit, saw the community dentist the second time I tried (first time couldn’t get on the bus because the driver wouldn’t let me on because of prams) and have been referred for my teeth to be sorted out under a general anaesthetic as no other option for me. I went to Enchanted Parks as well and that was awesome. So many pretty lights and displays! Mostly been in bed otherwise but did get up when Sammie came to pick up her presents and talk πŸ™‚ I knew then that no matter what happened it was going to be an awesome Christmas.

On Christmas Day itself I watched a church service on the telly, opened many presents (thank you everyone who sent me cards and presents), had roast hog for dinner, along with Johan’s homemade roast potatoes which were the nicest potatoes I’ve ever had even though it was his first time, and watched the Doctor Who Christmas special which was awesome. A great day. I also spoke to Sammie on both Christmas Day and her 12th birthday which was the best. Totally worth the payback afterwards πŸ˜€

Anyway, every year I fill out a silly survey about the year that just happened. I’ve just watched the new year come in and I’m gonna do it now while I remember πŸ™‚

1. What did you do in 2015 that you’d never done before?
Get a hoist! Meant I could get into my wheelchair and go into Gateshead and Newcastle for the first time in a few years. Also started making things with loom bands.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I managed 2 of 4, and most of my goals (including the 50 books read this year). I’ll make more in the next few days. I’m happy with how I did overall, as a couple were ambitious (and relied on other things happening that didn’t).

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! More babies this year so a Facebook feed full of cuteness!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes πŸ™ My good friend Ron died a few months ago, and my grandma died earlier this month. I was too ill to go to their funerals πŸ™

5. What countries did you visit?
I stayed in the UK, but did go into Gateshead and Newcastle for non-medical reasons! That was awesome!

6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
I need that shower chair still πŸ˜›

7. What dates from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
My memory is terrible for dates, so I’ll remember events (Sammie visiting, Ron and my Grandma dying, going out) but not exactly when they happened.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Going into Newcastle, being in my chair for several hours with the only payback being needing to sleep more. More of that please πŸ™‚

9. What was your biggest failure?
My health and my memory.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Mostly just ME stuff. Got a rough diagnosis of POTS (too ill for a tilt table test) but I’ve had the symptoms of that since I was 12. Nothing new so that’s good I guess πŸ™‚

11. What was the best thing someone bought you?
Like I said last year, I appreciate everything that people bought for me. So many penguins and ponies πŸ˜€ One of my Christmas presents from Sammie is a heart shaped cushion with her on it. I think she’s abseiling but I might be wrong there πŸ˜›

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Same answers as last year: Johan and Sammie πŸ˜› I think Esther has also done really well this year as well.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and/or depressed?
Still the government. Things are getting harder and harder for my friends because of them, and I don’t know how to help πŸ™

14. Where did most of your money go?
Same as last year: food, bills, disability stuff. I did buy a new cooker which was much needed.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
This answer will be obvious to anyone who knows me: Sammie and penguins πŸ˜€ I can add going out to that list this year πŸ˜€

16. What songs will always remind of 2015?
Although I’ve listened to some music this year, I’ve not really listened to anything recent so I don’t think I’ve got a song that would remind me of this year πŸ˜›

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Mostly happier πŸ™‚ Had a few sad periods but I think overall being able to go out has boosted my mood loads, as has being in pretty regular contact with Sammie.
b) fatter or skinnier?
Fatter πŸ˜› As I was underweight, this is a good thing. I’m still not where I need to be but eating has been a bit easier this year. Still malnourished but continuing to work on that.
c) richer or poorer?
About the same.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Going out πŸ˜› Glad I managed it though.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Relapsing, though I did so less than 2014. Being anxious.

20. How do you plan to spend Christmas?
Christmas was spent talking to Sammie, watching telly and eating the amazing roast dinner Johan made me πŸ™‚ Next year, I hope to have the entire tree decorated (this year only managed lights and star, last year it was missing the lights).

21. Did you fall in love in 2015?
The babies! So cute! Especially Amy who came to see me πŸ™‚

22. How many one night stands?
None. Didn’t even try standing this year πŸ˜›

23. What was your favourite TV programme?
Doctor Who, Great British Bake Off and Steven Universe πŸ™‚

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope. Still don’t actually hate anyone. I dislike the government, but that’s different.

25. What was the best book you read?
What If? by Randall Munroe. Thank you Sammie for prodding me to actually read it πŸ™‚

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Google Play Music. They are pretty good at guessing what I want to listen to (though they do get it really wrong sometimes).

27. What did you want and get?
A hoist! Freedom at last! Also spoke to Sammie loads and got to see her. Some support for Johan.

28. What did you want and not get?
A shower chair. Apart from two baths in the care home, I’ve not been clean all year.

29. What was your favourite film of this year?
I’m torn between Big Hero 6 and Inside Out.

30. What did you do on your birthday?
Sleep mostly πŸ™‚ I think I spoke to Sammie as well. Opened lots of amazing presents (including a penguin balloon to walk!).

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Being able to get properly clean at home.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
Tops, leggings and pyjamas. Penguins were also involved πŸ™‚

33. What kept you sane?
This never really changes πŸ™‚ Sammie, Johan, penguins, and friends.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I can’t think of any.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
The welfare cuts again. Sanctions in particular are getting really bad.

36. Who do you miss?
I really miss talking to Ron. It’s not been the same being on Twitter since. He would have been so proud of Johan’s potatoes. I also miss seeing my friends and family, but talking online helps.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Probably Marga and Amy. Amy is adorabubble!

38. What was the best thing you ate?
Johan’s roast potatoes. No contest.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015?
It will take several explanations before people will accept sitting upright is a bad idea. Especially nurses and care assistants.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Here’s a penguin, there’s a penguin and another little penguin. Fuzzy penguin, funny penguin, penguin, penguin duck. (Not actually a song, but I’ve sung it. The duck mentioned belongs to Amy.)

 Posted by at 1:01 am
Nov 262015
 

Working on my anxiety about the carers. Luckily was two nice ones so was able to get stuff done. Had to ask Johan to come home at lunchtime which is annoying but luckily he was able to get out early and make me more comfortable.

Have been watching stuff on Netflix today. Finished watching The Hunger Games: Catching Fire which I’d started a few months ago but had to stop. I prefer the book but it was still a good film.

Was making a very long fishtail chain (ended up being 1000 bands and over 10 feet long) so put Hell’s Kitchen on as something in the background. It’s the US one and it is not a very good competition format but it’s hilarious as a reality entertainment show. Made Johan jealous as he wanted to watch it while he was raiding πŸ˜› He’s now watching it with me while I’m writing this. It’s funny though the amount of undercooked chicken, salmon and pork is scary πŸ˜›

Tomorrow I’m going to be doing most of my Christmas and birthday shopping. I have a plan and hopefully my body will let me keep to it. If not it’s not the end of the world and it can be done later. I also might be going out for a hot drink with my sisters in the evening if we’re all well enough. Physically I’m doing okay other than pain and my digestive system hating me which is a good sign.

Penguins are amazing and people are really nice to me and I don’t really understand why but it makes me happy and keeps me going when my brain is being nasty to me. Hopefully my brain will stop being mean to me.

 Posted by at 11:40 pm

Adventures in Penguin Shopping

 Autism, Danni, M.E., NaBloPoMo, Penguins!, Physical Disability, Real Life  Comments Off on Adventures in Penguin Shopping
Nov 212015
 

Went out today! First went into Gateshead and got my head shaved at a barbershop (they initially said they couldn’t do me until Johan explained what I wanted). I now have basically no hair and it feels weird but it’ll be nice to not have to worry about washing it for a while.

I felt okay and we were a bit hungry so decided to go into Newcastle for food. We went to Wagamama as I’d never been there before and Johan likes it. I had dumplings which were very nice. Getting the Metro was difficult as it was as everyone was travelling to see the Newcastle football match, but we managed to get me on.

We went to Grainger Market next, where Johan failed to find any games in the retro gaming shop and I found a penguin cupcake in French Oven. I’m still full from lunch so will have to eat it later. Next was Geek Retreat which was very crowded. I think I’ll go back when there’s less people as it was hard to see what was there, but I had a nice hot chocolate.

Looked in Forbidden Planet and then Travelling Man. I couldn’t find anything I wanted in Forbidden Planet but bought Pandemic from Travelling Man as I’ve been interested in it for a while and we were wanting a game that works well with two players. Getting around these small shops is hard in my tank πŸ˜›

We were starting to think about home, but the Newcastle match had just finished and I knew the Metro would be packed. I also had misplaced my gloves and as the temperature was now below freezing asked to go to Primark to buy some more. On the way Johan looked in PC World for a keyboard (he couldn’t find the one be wanted) and I got confused by the pile of monitors in the middle of the aisle in a shop which is otherwise easy to get around (though the displays are too high for a wheelchair user).

In Primark I found some really big penguin thermal socks, and then two different pairs of penguin gloves. We looked at the warm slippers but couldn’t find any in my size. While doing so I managed to knock the penguin cushion under my legs so I couldn’t feel it, and thought I’d dropped it. We ended up backtracking and Johan asked the staff before he checked and found it. Near the counter I spied a multipack of normal penguin socks, so bought them as well. While helping me sort things out Johan found the gloves I’d already been wearing under the Trabasack but I’d bought penguin stuff so it was worth it. I was very tired by now so we went home.

It’s been a really good day. I probably overdid it but it’ll have been worth it. The most exhausting thing wasn’t being in my chair and it, but trying to communicate as I had no voice and typing was difficult while moving. I think if I go out when I can’t speak again I should take a Bluetooth keyboard as it’ll make typing much easier.

Tomorrow if I feel okay I want to go on my computer as I’ve not been on since fixing my tablet and I think it’s been over a week since I was on to do fun stuff. I also need to start finalising my Christmas shopping lists. Before then though I think I need to sleep πŸ˜›

 Posted by at 8:52 pm
Nov 172015
 

Had a very long sleep- from just after 8pm last night to 9.40am this morning. Unfortunately I’ve been feeling rather zombified and boaty today, so not been able to do much. What doesn’t help is my index finger on my left hand is sore from holding in the power button on my tablet yesterday. I’ve also been in more pain than is normal for me which is making me a tad grumpy.

Had two decent carers today. Yay! We got a phone call from the agency (Communication! Yay!) saying it would be a new carer and she’d be here about 10.30am as the one I was meant to have had called in sick, then the carer arrived just after 10am so we were a bit confused but it was okay. Had bacon for breakfast as Johan had dropped the last two duck eggs πŸ˜›

Spent most of the day reading articles online and blog posts, with a bit of tablet game playing as well. Luckily I’d backed up all my apps before changing the rom on my tablet so I didn’t lose any progress πŸ™‚

Ow. Someone just slammed the communal door and the noise has made me lose my voice πŸ™ Boo. Hopefully it’ll come back soon. Also made me nauseous but I’m hoping not to need cyclizine because I’m zombie enough.

The evening carer was one of my favourite ones from this agency. She made me salmon and chips for tea and helped me get into pyjamas and stuff. Was good. She’s meant to be coming on Friday evening so I was able to warn her I might not be in as seeing Becca. I hope the zombiness is gone by then.

I probably shouldn’t have started reading The Shock of the Fall by Nathan Filer yesterday. I thought it was one of my young adult dystopian books, not one about someone with mental illness. What I’ve read is good but maybe I’ll save finishing it for when I’m a bit less anxious and panicky. I read Among the Hidden by Margaret Peterson HaddixΒ before that which I’d been wanting to read for years. That was good and I’m wanting to continue the series.

Brains. Grr. Argh.

 Posted by at 9:07 pm
Nov 102015
 

Since the care worker came on Sunday morning making me panic, I’ve been unable to speak (I regained it for a little bit during the early hours of Monday morning, but lost it again a few hours later when I struggled to wake Johan up to help me with various things). To make things more complicated, my hands are being silly so I’m not able to type as accurately as normal on my tablet, so it’s taking me a lot longer to say things using it than is normal for me (which is why I’m using the laptop to type this, as my touch typing still seems to be working). I’m also still panicking whenever I’m awake for a care call as I don’t know when or who it’ll be. This is not a good combination.

When I’m talking to Johan I’m using a lot of body language to communicate: nodding, shaking my head, shrugging my shoulders, using fingers for numbers or to select from options when Johan forgets to ask me a closed question. It’s definitely the fastest way to communicate at the moment. I also use a lot of gestures and made up signs to help express what I want, along with exaggerated facial expressions (Johan is more able to read mine than most people, but making them bigger means he’s unlikely to miss them or misinterpret them). We’re able to hold entire conversations this way, which is great when I’m not feeling up to using my tablet (such as when I’m very tired).

It’s less good when I need to communicate with someone else. The district nurse came this morning and Johan had to answer most of the questions for me, as it was taking me a very long time to type responses. That’s fine when he knows the answer (and to be fair he knows most of them) but he’s only human and he sometimes forgets important points or I need to bring up something else. I was often saying something as a response to a topic that ended a couple of minutes before, which made me feel awkward. It wasn’t horrendous, but it would have been a lot easier if I’d been able to speak at the time. The nurse was also using that patronising voice I hate, like I was a young child. I’ve noticed it’s used a lot more often when I can’t speak than when I can.

For the care workers it’s harder. Not only do I have to communicate, but I also have to cope with someone being in my personal space and touching me. Johan finds it very hard to cope with the calls and normally hides in his room, but I need him to interpret for me so he has to stay in here (I don’t get the choice of hiding if I want anything done). Yesterday morning he had his day service and the care worker was running so late we had to cancel the call as he needed to leave and there was no way I’d be able to communicate with them when they got here. I was asleep yesterday evening and this morning the care worker was incredibly loud, so I immediately panicked so wasn’t able to have anything done. You’d think that they’d know not to come into someone’s home yelling, but apparently not.

I don’t really know a solution. I can’t use my laptop all the time as it limits me to being on my back and eventually the weight becomes too much. I’m also yet to find a text to speech communication app that works with Chrome OS. I’ll still use the app on my tablet, but I’m constantly mistapping so I can’t set it to automatically speak when I select a button as I keep hitting the wrong one (or hitting them when I’m wanting to type something new). Yesterday one of the suggestions was dysmenorrhea when I was trying to type doing for an example of how bad my typing on there is right now.

In general I’m not coping very well right now. Very anxious, panicky and getting twisted thoughts that aren’t true but feel like they are. My mood has also plummeted and even penguins aren’t cheering me up. Johan is hoping this is temporary, maybe because I’m due a period, and I’m kinda hoping the same. It might be just down to the care situation though, in which case I’ll hopefully feel better once that’s sorted. I’m also in desperate need of sleep because I can’t manage at night because of the paranoia (if I close my eyes my brain makes me think someone is breaking in) and stuff happens during the day to wake me up. That’s probably also not helping. Physically I’m also doing worse than I have for a while, but that’s probably because of everything else. I hope things get sorted soon.

 Posted by at 3:41 pm
Nov 082015
 

Well, maybe not but it does make me feel better.

I had the worst care call with this agency so far this morning. The care worker scheduled to come for my call phoned in sick, and as they’re understaffed the supervisor on call came to do my call. She was incredibly loud, and worse than that had her phone ringtone set really high so every time it went off I felt really ill. And it went off several times. I was hoping to have my teeth brushed and was considering asking for breakfast, but the phone going off so many times so loud right next to me meant I lost speech and panicked completely, so Johan had to ask her to leave. Due to the panic attack I ended up sleeping most of the day. I understand she needed to be contactable but after the first couple of times of me showing obvious signs of distress (hands covering ears, face scrunched up, curling up into a ball) I would have thought she’d have at least turned it down, but nope. And she’s meant to be one of the more senior members of staff.

This evening’s call was much better. A new care worker, but she actually read the sign on my door and was quiet. Johan helped explain what to do as I still couldn’t speak and was still rather anxious, but she listened and did what was needed. We’ve asked her to tell the agency we like her so we want her more often. She was surprised at how many different people I’ve had coming for my calls (apparently you’re not meant to get more than three different care workers a week- I’m getting at least 7) so understood why I wasn’t coping. She’s also going to ask for a rota for me as even just knowing who’s coming and when will be easier.

I’ve spent most of the evening playing games on my tablet and reading What If? by Randell Monroe. I’d bought the book for Sammie last year and she was really surprised when I told her last week that I’d not read it yet, so I bought the Kindle version for me. I’ve read the blog but it’s nice to have them all together, and I’ve seen a couple of questions I’d not read before. My laughing at the book made Johan interested, so now he’s reading it as well on his iPad. I had cheesy chips for tea which I’d been craving for a while.

Johan made me a cup of tea this evening! I’m not 100% sure, but I think it’s the first time he’s ever made me one. He’s made me hot chocolate a couple of times before, but he’s scared of normal kettles so it was a special thing. He’s not as scared of the new one cup kettle though so hopefully I’ll be able to have tea more often. Unfortunately the milk we had was bitty (the use by date was tomorrow so we thought it’d be okay) so he had to use the UHT milk I keep in for porridge but even with that it was lovely and made me feel better πŸ™‚

I’ve got loads of Blizzcon panels and eSports to catch up with, but I’m taking a break today as I’m not feeling up to it after this morning. Hopefully I’ll get through them the next few days. I’m glad I saw the World of Warcraft Q&A yesterday, as they were the best questions asked so far, and Red Shirt Guy was first again! Finding out they’re just letting us switch specs whenever we like rather than having to choose two out of three (or four if you’re a druid) made me really happy. Johan and I both want to play more Heroes of the Storm when I’m up to it as it’s loads of fun.

I’ve got nothing particularly planned this coming week other than the CFS team coming out on Thursday. It’ll be the first time I’ve seen them since I got the hoist so it’ll be good to see if they can help me plan how I’m going to get out of bed more without risking going backwards. It would be easier though if I wasn’t so anxious from the care agency though as it takes so much energy I’d rather be using on things like getting up more or being on my computer. If it carries on much longer I might have to ask about going on direct payments now the council is able to manage them for me (which wasn’t available the last time I tried it). Hopefully there’s an agency in the area that can meet my needs as I just need consistency, communication and a bit of understanding of how things affect me.

 Posted by at 11:57 pm
Nov 042015
 

Title has very little to do with this blog post, but I just played the Tavern Brawl with Johan in Hearthstone where we worked together to beat the boss, and it was fun.

I have been awake since 10pm last night. I’ve now been awake over 18 hours so hopefully will be able to sleep soon. This isn’t uncommon after activity so I’m not worried but not sure I’ll be awake for the care call tomorrow morning. We’ll see.

I’m annoyed at Tesco. It’s Guy Fawkes night tomorrow, and as it’s the first in a few years where I can actually go out to see some fireworks I wanted some traditional goodies for the occasion, so sent Johan out to get toffee apples, treacle toffee and parkin. He couldn’t find any of them in Tesco at all, not even a sign that they’d sold out. I know that parkin is a regional cake (common in Yorkshire and Lancashire, so both Johan and I both grew up with it) so I am not too surprised he couldn’t find it, but toffee apples and treacle toffee are both national traditional treats associated with the day, so I can’t understand a massive supermarket not having them. He’s going to hunt in Newcastle tomorrow to see if he can find some there.

I managed to get my computer working again overnight. First issue was the bootloader deciding it didn’t want to exist properly for some reason, and it was so broken it couldn’t even be repaired, so I gave in and reformatted Windows 10. That fixed that issue, but then it wasn’t detecting the second SSD I have where I store all my games and stuff I want to keep (all the important stuff is also backed up online but it would have been annoying having to download it all again). It was showing up in BIOS but not in disk management or My Computer. No idea what caused that or why it persisted through several reboots, but one person online suggested running a memory check and even though it came back with no errors after doing so it was showing up in disk management to be assigned a letter. Makes no logical sense but I’m not complaining now it works.

Next problem was trying to get sound working. I have a Bluetooth adapter my headphones plug into and I just couldn’t figure out why it wasn’t working. I spent a couple of hours trying to figure it out, before realising I needed to pair it to the computer for it to work. I’d been wanting to talk to Sammie but I didn’t manage to sort it until an hour after she’d left for school. Hopefully I’ll catch her soon as talking to her is one of my favourite things in the world. Just need to be on my computer at a reasonable time πŸ˜›

The rest of the day I’ve been dopey. I’ve been wanting to sleep since this morning but it just hasn’t happened yet. Had an anxiety attack around midday today and I couldn’t figure out what was causing it, which wasn’t fun. Johan gave me cuddles though and I eventually calmed down. On top that I had the anxiety and panic caused by not knowing what is going on with the care calls so I’m feeling really mentally bleh and not coping with other stuff as well as I was. I did manage to get my bedding changed at the evening care call though, and being hoisted into my chair while it’s being done is much less exhausting and painful for me than changing it in the bed would have been. I’m grateful that’s an option now.

I’m really hoping I’m well enough to watch fireworks tomorrow (I’ll be wearing ear defenders and maybe ear plugs to deal with the noise). I’ve also got Blizzcon to watch this weekend so hopefully the anxiety won’t spoil things too much πŸ™‚

 Posted by at 7:17 pm