"I find penguins at present the only comfort in life. One feels everything in the world so sympathetically ridiculous; one can't be angry when one looks at a penguin." – John Ruskin
In a long ramble a few days ago, I mentioned how the government is planning on changing disability benefits which will make things really bad and mean that seriously ill and disabled people won’t get the help they need. Turns out the government have also been not telling the truth about the consulting and stuff that they did, and so ordinary disabled people funded research (carried out by other ordinary disabled people) into the government’s plans and things.
As the plans are going to affect lots of people who could really do without the extra stress of worrying if they’re going to lose money, become homeless, lose carers, lose their jobs because they can’t afford to get there, it’s important that as many people as possible read and distribute the linked press release and report. For my part, I’ve emailed it to my MP Dave Anderson (Blaydon constituency) so I’ll report back as soon as I hear from him. I’ll also link to more informative and better written blog posts as I find them.
I am writing this while lying in bed in the early hours of Sunday morning, while Johan is sitting at his computer on the other side of the living room playing World of Warcraft. We are both comfortable and happy.
I feel very lucky to have met Johan. We are very similar in a lot of ways, and this means we understand each other in a way that most other people don’t. We often think the same things, which results in us saying exactly the same thing at the same time. We have similar interests.
I met Johan in Second Life, introduced by a mutual friend, Alexa. Alexa and Johan were best friends in Second LIfe, and I was roleplaying as Alexa’s daughter. At the time of meeting, Alexa and Johan decided to try being boyfriend and girlfriend, which didn’t work out. They remained very good friends though.
A few years ago, there was a meeting in London of Plurkers and Second Lifers, which we both attended. We immediately got on as well in real life as in Second Life, and everyone there (except Johan) could see that there was something between us. We met up a few times in London, often with other Second Life friends, and eventually I asked him out (very clumsily) over lunch in the Science Museum. He said yes, and told me that he’d been too shy to ask me out. Most of our friends told us they knew it would happen
After Johan had spent a year at university, he came to my flat for a short holiday, and never left. Once we’d decided he was staying long term, we went and declared everything to the benefits agencies as required, and he brought his computer and not much else up with him from where he was staying in Hull. This was partially because I wasn’t coping with living alone (Vicky had moved out at this point to be closer to her work) and we were worried I would have to move back into less independent acommodation, but also because we enjoyed being together and Johan felt at home here. I soon discovered that Johan’s self care skills weren’t exactly the greatest, but I was able to help him with them as he was able to help me with my mental health problems. People started asking us when we’d be getting married, and while out with my brother at the MetroCentre we mutually agreed that getting married would be a good thing to do.
It was rough while my mental health was bad, especially when I became severely depressed late 2009/early 2010. Johan helped me though, and eventually I came out of it. Having a stable home with someone I loved was one of the bigger factors in my recovery from depression. Also by this point I had M.E. but wasn’t aware of it (I was putting my symptoms down to depression) and Johan helped me with dealing with the gradual loss of ability as it got worse, including pushing me in a wheelchair for the first time while on holiday in Edinburgh.
We got married in August 2010, inviting only very close friends as we wanted to keep it small. We both don’t deal well with crowds of people, and the tiny wedding we had followed by playing Rock Band and eating pizza in our flat with friends was perfect for us. We also enjoyed our honeymoon in Durham.
One of the reasons I suspect Johan is on the autism spectrum is because he is so similar to me. He gets anxious about many of the same things, thinks in a similar, logical way, and doesn’t display emotions in a typical way. Because we are so similar, we’re very good at reading each other, so we can tell when the other person is happy, sad, anxious or frustrated, even when it isn’t obvious to other people. Unfortunately this also means that are emotions tend to feed into each other, so if one of us is upset (especially if it’s because we think we’ve upset the other) both of us will become very upset and often results in us both having meltdowns. Luckily though it blows over very quickly and everything is back to normal within a short time.
Being so similar also means we know how to comfort each other. Johan will mention penguins to me if I’m sad, as that normally makes me happy. I’ll offer him a hug if he’s sad, as that makes him feel better. We can deal with each other’s physical contact even though we don’t normally like it, because we love each other so much and know how to do it without it hurting (or for me, hurting too much).
We also both like being silly. We can be serious when we need to be, but if we don’t need to be then silliness is the norm for us. When I mentioned to Johan I was writing this blog post, saying it was about how I love him and he loves me, he followed it up with “we’re best friends as friends can be”- a rhyme from Barney, of all things We feel so comfortable with each other that stuff like that is how we like to interact, and normally results in smiling and giggling.
Johan has also been exceptionally understanding about my health problems, first my depression and then my M.E. Sometimes he can be a bit overprotective, but it’s because he doesn’t want to see me any more ill. He’s done way more for me than should be expected from anyone, and he does it because he wants to, not because he has to. In return, I try and help him with his mental health problems, and help him with prompting and things for his self care needs. We both find it a lot easier to do things for the other rather than for ourselves.
I love Johan. He loves me. We’re very happy together, and very compatible. We both want to spend the rest of our lives together. I’m grateful to Alexa for introducing us, and one day we’ll go over to where she lives to meet her in person. I’m sure there’s lots of other things I could mention, but I just wanted to write this about the most amazing man I’ve ever met.
I am happy. Considering there was a 12 year period where being happy was exceptionally difficult, being able to say that on a near daily basis is awesome. There are lots of things that make me happy.
I like penguins. Seeing penguins makes me smile- it’s very difficult for me to be sad or upset for long when I am around and aware of penguins. When I was depressed I wasn’t able to be properly aware of penguins, so they couldn’t make me as happy as they do now. My living room is covered in penguins, and everytime I spot one I get a rush of happiness in my brain.
I like the colour purple. Purple is nice and calming and reassuring. I also have quite a lot of purple, as it’s my favourite colour. I covered my wheelchair in purple fabric. When we move house my bedroom is going to be purple (and possibly the living room as well).
I have some amazing friends. Most of them are online- I talk to them on Twitter, Facebook and AYME. These are people who make me feel good about myself, which in turn makes me feel happy. I have reduced my contact with people who get me down, which has also helped. Funnily enough, a lot of my friends have depression or other mental health problems, but because they are so nice and kind even with their illnesses they are a positive part of my life rather than a negative.
Reading blogs and being in touch with people on Facebook and Twitter helped me recover from my depression. Being able to read about other people’s experiences and seeing that I wasn’t alone made it so much easier to get out of the hell I was in. Blogging myself (on my old blog) also helped a lot, as it let me get some of my thoughts and feelings into a way that I could understand them. Being on the right medication also helped, as did having doctors (GP and psychiatrist) who listened to me, accepted me as I was, and stopped trying to force me into boxes that I don’t fit into.
Being diagnosed with autism was also a major step in the right direction for me. I had an explanation for why I was different to other people. I came across autistic adults on the internet who were able to teach me mostly through example that being autistic is okay. Accepting my autism made my life so much easier. I’d especially like to thank Kassiane S., Amanda B., Laura T., Laura R. and those who used to go to the Autistic Liberation Front meetings in Second Life for chatting to me and helping me through the period before and during diagnosis, and while my life was turned upside down.
My old social worker Balamory was also a massive help in my quest to recover from depression. She noticed my autistic traits and badgered lots of people on my behalf, helped me find acceptable housing when I needed it, and also found and helped me attend Interface, the autism unit I used to go to. I wish I had a way of letting you know how far I’ve come since I first met you.
Interface was a massive help. It was my first experience of specialist education, and it allowed me to be successful at college for the first time. There were lots of skills I learnt there that I needed to know to help my independence, both taught on the curriculum and learnt just by being there and with the help of the staff, especially my keyworker Louise. Being able to attend such a brilliant facility just after receiving my diagnosis and having a safe space to just be myself made college doable, even while I was still very mentally ill. Without Louise I don’t think I’d be where I am now.
Learning to be myself again was probably the biggest thing that has made me happy. I spent many years trying to fit in with everyone else, and not quite succeeding. Learning that I was autistic, that being autistic is okay, that being different is okay was one of the best lessons I could have learnt. Once I stopped surpressing my need to move (rocking, flapping, pacing, bouncing) in safe places (at home and in Interface) and then gradually becoming less concerned about doing some of the less extreme movements when out in public meant that I could control my anxiety and actually manage with stuff without it becoming overwhelming. Listening to music, wearing ear defenders, wearing tinted glasses, carrying a pen, my stones and a penguin of some kind with me everywhere are all things that don’t affect anyone but help me to deal with things. Rocking and flapping may look a bit odd, but they don’t hurt anyone and are much better than biting myself or melting down (which sometimes results in head banging).
At home I’m free to not do anything to try and fit in. I play with language- making up words, messing with grammar, talk about random things when they pop into my head. Colin, Vicky and Johan know this very well I also do some of the stuff that people are less understanding about, such as having something in my mouth a lot of the time (sucking on things reduces my anxiety and helps me concentrate), humming and random singing, making noises with hands and fingers, wrapping myself tightly in my quilt, piling pillows on top of myself. I also ignore “age appropriateness” when at home, so can go from discussing politics or science or other “grown up” topics to talking in very simplified language about wanting penguins or jelly within seconds. I also play with my wooden blocks, and can spend hours just looking at my colour changing lights or sparkly things. One of the things I want is a sensory room or area with soft flooring and nice lighting and reflective sparkly things where I can spend time just to be myself and not have to worry about things like bills or food shopping or anything else that is difficult for my brain. I was originally going to use the space behind the top of the stairs in our flat (maisonette), but since I can’t walk or manage stairs now and we’ll be moving, it’s been put on hold until we move so I can figure it out when there.
Sammie also makes me happy. As much as I wish I could have her living with me and that I could look after her myself, accepting that I wasn’t in the right place for that (before with my mental health problems, now with my M.E.) and that she is doing so well with her grandparents and is happy herself is enough to make me very happy. I have been terrible at keeping in contact with her, but I’m trying to fix that as I love her more than anyone else in the world.
Johan is just amazing. I am so lucky to have found someone who accepts me for who I am, who has similar interests, and who I love being with and spending time with. That he voluntarily took on the role of carer, both with my mental health problems and now with my physical health problems, while he was struggling himself makes him my hero. I does help that he seems to love me as much as I love him, and I would quite happily spend the rest of my life with him.
Colin and Vicky also took on the carer role for me, going way beyond what was needed as a friend. Both of them helped me to become more independent, and that also meant it was easier to learn to be happy. I will be eternally grateful to both of them for this.
All of this- learning who I was and accepting me for me, learning I wasn’t alone and that there were other people who had similar experiences or similar ways of thinking to me, making some amazing friends who help me feel good about myself, some great support from some brilliant people, having a happy daughter, being in a loving relationship, feeling safe and secure and able to be me, means I was able to recover from depression and be happy. And I like it.
I’m having a lot of brain fog issues at the moment, so this may not make much sense and may contain errors. Please correct me if you spot any- I’m not looking stuff up as I’m typing this.
In the UK currently there are lots of cuts to disability benefits occurring. Most of them aren’t being branded as cuts of course- they’re branded as “improvements” to reduce the amount of benefit fraud and help disabled people back into work.
There are problems with this. The two main disability benefits are Incapacity Benefit (currently being replaced by Employment Support Allowance – ESA) and Disability Living Allowance – DLA (which is planned to be replaced with Personal Independence Payments – PIP). Despite all the media saying that there’s massive amounts of fraud with these benefits, the fraud rate for Incapacity Benefit is 0.3% and the fraud rate for DLA is 0.5%. These are the lowest levels of fraud for any state benefit, including the state pension (which is based off age, so I would have thought it would have been harder to claim fraudulently).
For the last couple of years, you haven’t been able to make a new claim for Incapacity Benefit (the out of work sickness benefit). You have to claim ESA instead. ESA is a lot harder to get on purpose. I’ve never actually claimed Incapacity Benefit (I get Income Support for incapacity reasons instead, as I didn’t have enough national insurance contributions and they messed up with the young person’s rule years ago, but never mind :p) but I think you filled in the form, submitted sick notes from the doctor while the DWP assessed you by getting information from the form and doctors, you’d get a medical with a doctor if there was any confusion or they needed any information, and then if you were classed as too sick to work, you’d be on Incapacity Benefit for a while without having to submit sick notes, and depending on why you were on it you would be reassessed periodically to see if there’s any change. That could all be wrong though, as I’ve never done it and I can’t be bothered to look it up right now.
For me, I had to submit sick notes for a bit, but when I claimed DLA and received the higher care rate (DLA is for care and mobility needs due to long term illness or disability, and is not an out of work benefit- you can get it whether your working or not) which meant I needed care frequently during the day and night, I was automatically considered too ill to work and no longer had to submit sick notes and didn’t have to worry about having medicals and stuff. I think this applied to Incapacity Benefit and Income Support for incapacity reasons.
Quick note about Income Support- that’s what you get if you’re poor, not working and not able to work for some reason (being too ill, being a carer, being a parent of a small child). As you can guess from the name, it’s based on making sure you have enough income (as the letters say, how much the law says you need to live on), so some people would get a bit of Income Support on top of Incapacity Benefit, especially if they live alone, also get some DLA (which means you get extra money on your Income Support as well, though it gets complicated so will not discuss them here) or if they live with a partner who doesn’t work, or earns tiny amounts in part time work. If you can work but aren’t because you’re unemployed, you get Job Seekers Allowance instead, which is the same rate as Income Support but requires you to be looking for work.
ESA is a bit different. You send in your doctor’s sick notes as normal at the start (though they’re now called fit notes), fill in a form from hell (all disability benefit forms are forms from hell- with one exception being the 4 page DLA renewal form that I’ve had once but most people never see). They contact your doctors and stuff, then call you in for a medical with ATOS. The medical person may be a doctor, but might be a nurse or another health professional instead. They’ve probably had no experience with whatever it is that’s making you too ill to work (especially if it’s mental health issues) and will probably show no interest in knowing either. The medical is a tick box thingie on the computer, with lots of questions like “can you touch your toes” and “can you raise your arms above your head” (even if you’re claiming for mental health reasons). They tick boxes, then send the report to the decision maker at the DWP, who is meant to take everything into consideration (the form, your GPs and specialist reports, and the ATOS medical) but who is more likely to agree with whatever the ATOS medical person said and ignore everything else (you know, the stuff from you and people who actually know you and your illness/disability).
There’s three rates for ESA. There’s the assessment rate, which is the same as Job Seekers Allowance (and for the more observant of you, the same as the base rate of Income Support, but that’s not really relevant as you can get ESA and Job Seekers even if not completely poor based on your national insurance contributions- they call that contributions based, funnily enough). You’re on that while being assessed (no way!). Then when you’ve been all assessed, there’s the Work Related Activity Group – WRAG rate, which is a bit more, though the politicians who set the rates would still struggle. You’re meant to be put in this group if you’re not well enough to work right now, but you should be able to work in the future with a bit of help and support, so you have to attend interviews with this goal every few weeks (but you don’t have to actively seek work as you do on Job Seekers). If you’re considered too ill or disabled to work at all (there is some criteria for this, such as not being able to walk or self propel a wheelchair 50 metres) then you get put in the support group, which is even more money (though still not enough for those pesky politicians to live off) and means you don’t have to do the interviews.
Unlike the current system, there’s no automatic exemption from reassessment if you’re on higher care DLA. Pretty much everyone (it may be everyone, but I can’t remember right now) will be reassessed again after a period of time, which may be as short as a few months (brain is saying 3 or 6, but I’m not sure which). Even if you’re so disabled that you get put in the support group and get high care DLA, you may have to go through the whole lot again after a few months.
To make things worse, lots and lots of people are assessed incorrectly. They either fail to qualify for the WRAG rate so are expected to go job hunting, or they put in the WRAG when they should be in the Support Group. As this is not on, they appeal. And win- 40% if doing so by themselves, 70% if they get help. There’s currently a massive backlog of appeals, they’ve had to bring in extra judges to process them, and if you need to appeal you’ll probably have to wait a year. While you’re appealing, if you’ve been denied ESA at all you’re allowed to claim the assessment rate (which isn’t much- about £67 a week, and less if you’re under 25). If you’re lucky enough to be put in the WRAG instead of the support group, you get a bit of extra money (though not as much as if you were in the support group) but you’ll have to do those interviews while you’re waiting for your appeal to go through, even if you’re bed bound.
Of course this is all really stressful. Even while there were lots of problems with ESA (especially the tick box medical) and all the charities and even the politicians could see it wasn’t working properly for new claimants, the government in all their wisdom have now started moving everyone who was on Incapacity Benefit over to ESA. And people who got Incapacity Benefit without issue for years (because they qualified, not because they were scrounging- remember the 0.3% fraud rate?) are being thrown off ESA and expected to go on Job Seekers and look for a job. So of course they’re appealing as well, which is making everything worse. Oh, and those of us on Income Support for incapacity reasons are also going to be moved over to ESA by 2013. I can’t see that improving the situation.
So that’s ESA. It’s failing, and the government aren’t fixing it. At least they’re acknowledging there are problems though, while saying we’re all scroungers. I guess that’s something…
DLA next. As I said earlier, it’s for those with a long term illness or disability that means you have extra care or mobility needs. It’s not an out of work benefit, as you can get it while you’re working (and indeed, it helps some people with disabilities to be able to work, by helping with extra costs). Children can get it as well, and if you’re already getting it when you turn 65, you’re allowed to keep claiming it (if you become disabled after you turn 65 though, it’s Attendance Allowance for you, which is different and not as good, but I’m not going into that further here).
There are two components to DLA- care and mobility. The care component has three rates- low if you just need a bit of extra help during the day, or (if over 16) you can’t cook a proper meal for yourself because of your disability (bunging something in the microwave does not count as proper cooking). Middle you get if you have frequent care needs during the day or night, and high if you have frequent care needs during both the day and night. There are two rates for the mobility component- lower if you need someone with you when you’re out and about, and higher if you’re unable, or virtually unable to walk.
Getting DLA is not easy, and the system isn’t perfect. There’s the form from hell (over 40 pages) then all the evidence and stuff, then you might need to have a medical with an ATOS doctor (I think it’s always a doctor for DLA, but I may be wrong). Unlike ESA though, the medical actually goes through what your disability is, and how it affects you and what your care and mobility needs are. I’ve only had to do it once (lucky me!) but the doctor was nice, listened to me, understood when I couldn’t do certain tasks, and let me ask questions and make some clarifications at the end. I’m hoping that’s the normal experience, but I suspect I probably just got lucky.
If you’re very lucky (like me), you get DLA first time. More likely though, you’ll either get declined or they’ll put you on a lower rate than you’re entitled to. This is because the decision makers have a tendency to completely ignore everything you wrote and all your evidence, and send you a nice letter with reasons that appear to be written about someone else. When I asked for them to relook at my claim for a change in circumstances (I became unable to walk) that happened. Anyway, when your unsuccessful, you appeal. It appears that more and more people are being declined DLA, including people who have claimed it successfully in the past and have not gotten any better (or have got worse). I can’t remember how many DLA appeals are successful, but I think it’s a lot lower than for ESA as more claims are accurate to begin with (though that’s becoming less of the case now).
Okay, so DLA isn’t perfect, but once you’ve got it it’s not too bad. You may get it indefinitely if you’ve got something that won’t get better (this means they can look at your claim again, but may not for a long time), or you’ll get it for a certain period of time before needing to reapply. For me, I got it for one year the first time, two years the second time and three years the third time (I then asked for a reconsideration due to change in circumstances a year into the third claim, because I became unable to walk so was entitled to higher rate DLA, having previously got lower rate). My DLA is due for renewal in January 2013, and though I’m hoping not to need it (or at least not need it at as high a rate, as with the current rules I’ll always be entitled to some due to autism) I’ve accepted a probably will, but may have it declined.
Despite its problems, DLA works really well. You know when you’re going to be reapplying. Having DLA works as a passport to other things, such as extra Income Support, Carer’s Allowance if you have an unpaid carer (for middle or higher care), a blue badge and a free bus pass if you get higher mobility, and lots of things that require proof of disability accept a DLA letter. I also really like the 4 page renewal form I got last time, as being able to tick that nothing had changed, sign it, send it back and then getting it renewed for 3 years was really painless. The government could probably improve the form, but at least you know with it you’ve probably gone through everything. The three different rates of care are also good, as it acknowledges the extra costs that come up if you’re mostly independent, but may need some help for part of the day, say for cooking a meal.
The government wants to scrap this mostly working benefit and replace it with PIP. They claim this is to improve it, but they’ve also said they want to save 20% off the costs of DLA with it. They’re doing this by tightening up the criteria for it, so that lots of disabled people who are getting DLA now won’t be entitled to it. They’re removing the lower rate of care, and lots of things that DLA accounted for will be ignored in it. And it sucks. I’ve looked at the criteria and if I’m still as ill when it’s implemented I should get the higher rates still, but I suspect that I will have to fight for it and other people with less obvious disability will be declined it, even if they should be entitled to help. The transistion is meant to take place in 2013.
I’m upset. So are lots of other disabled people, who are far more eloquent than me. The government and the press are bringing in these changes by hounding us in the media and saying we’re all scroungers and we should all be working. My friends, some of whom are just as disabled as I am, are being denied the benefits they need to live. And with all these changes, it’s only going to get worse.
It’s the 1st November, which means it’s Autistics Speaking Day again. This started last year as a response to Communication Shutdown, which luckily isn’t being repeated again. My post from last year is here, and the website is here.
I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome when I was 21. Since then I’ve learnt lots of ways to deal with some of the more difficult parts of it, mostly thanks to Interface (the autism unit at South Tyneside College). This doesn’t mean I’m “cured”, though. I was born autistic, and will be so the rest of my life. I still have a lot of difficulties, and the M.E. also makes it worse. Here’s how it still affects me.
Over-sensitivity to noise, light, smell and touch.
That’s all the senses except taste, where I may be over-sensitive a bit (I can’t cope with spicy foods, and much prefer plain foods) but it’s a lot easier to control. My reactions to these are a bit less extreme than they were, but it’s an area where M.E. makes things worse. I normally wear sunglasses when I’m outdoors, I have ear defenders to wear when it’s noisy (which I often have to wear if I go out in public because of the noise of traffic, people and things) and sometimes listen to music to drown out other noises (often with the ear defenders). M.E. in itself causes over-sensitivity, so for me it just means everything feels a hundred times worse when I’m having a bad day. On those bad days, I lie in bed with an eye mask and ear defenders on (because the normal noises around me and all light is too much) and no-one can touch me as even my pyjamas and bedclothes feel like torture. As for touch, I do not like people touching me, but as I’m unable to do things for myself I have to allow it. I am getting better at coping with it when it’s not a bad day, and even let a stranger put make-up on my face a while ago. I also can’t cope with strong smells as they make me feel like I can’t breathe, and some of them make me vomit.
Problems with communication.
Communicating with people uses a lot of energy. It takes energy to listen to people, process what they’re saying, and then respond in a way that they can understand. This is another area that M.E. makes more difficult, as I can no longer just throw more energy into communicating. I am verbal most of the time, but I have more times of being non-verbal than I used to, since I became more ill. I become non-verbal when I’m overwhelmed. With autism it’s from sensory overload, and the M.E. causes it when I’m overloaded because of pain. This can cause problems- when I was in a care home earlier this year I was unable to answer open questions, became non-verbal and wasn’t able to communicate that I needed a drink or the toilet so went without for 19 hours. We have similar problems with the home carers (especially since Johan has the same problem answering open questions) but most at least some of the carers are learning to work around it.
I’m also unable to use the telephone as I struggle to hear what the other person is saying without being able to lip read, have to respond almost instantaneously, and it makes me very anxious. A lot of places still don’t allow communication by email, so I’m reliant on my husband to phone for me. My favourite so far is the National Autistic Society phoning me twice (once on my landline, once on my mobile) and insisting on talking to me. When my husband told them I couldn’t talk on the phone, they asked why, then one of them didn’t understand when my husband said it was due to my autism. They said they were going to write to me about what it was, but so far I’ve not received anything, and it was at least a month ago.
Meltdowns and shutdowns.
This is hard for me to talk about, as I don’t really want other people to know what I’m like at my worst, but since they’ve been happening more than normal recently I should probably mention them. A meltdown is similar to a panic attack in appearance (I also experience panic attacks) but it’s not the same inside. With a meltdown I lose complete control. I say my brain explodes, as that’s how it feels. I’m so overwhelmed by all sensory input, all my internal feelings, all emotions that I just can’t cope. I may scream, may hit, bite or scratch myself (I keep my nails short after scarring myself during a meltdown), and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it other than wait it out. Unlike a panic attack, I don’t have enough control to end it as I can’t think at all, it’s just a massive amount of badness in my brain. Afterwards I’m completely exhausted, and need to sleep (this was true even before the M.E.). They used to be very rare, happening at most once a year, but they’ve happened a few times this year because of issues with carers and things.
A shutdown has the same brain explodiness, but instead of it being expressed outwards I just stop doing anything. I don’t move, don’t respond to anything, can’t hear, can’t think. I will remain in the same position for however long it lasts, which can be hours. Again, it’s exhausting and I’ll need to sleep when it’s over.
Anxiety and panic attacks.
Anxiety is common in autistic people, and I’m no exception. I do not like change, and though I don’t need a set routine as such, if there is a timetable then I don’t deal well with it being changed. I also become anxious if there’s too much sensory input, as my brain can’t process it properly. An interesting cause of anxiety is related to the dislike of change- I can’t cope if my carers arrive early (though can if they come late). This is because I have to mentally prepare for them invading my personal space, expecting me to communicate with them and possibly touching me. This takes time, so if they come early I’m not prepared and panic. I also panic if my anxiety builds up and I can’t get rid of it, or if there’s a sudden loud noise or someone touches me unexpectedly (especially if already anxious). When I panic I can normally calm myself down pretty quickly if the trigger is removed, but it is very tiring. If people talk to me, touch me or tell me to breathe (for some reason, trying to control my breathing causes me to become very anxious and panicky) then it will last longer. I used to rock, pace or flap to reduce my anxiety, but my M.E. means they’re no longer an option. Most of the normal suggestions (breathing, relaxation exercises, and things) don’t work or make things worse, but distraction sometimes work so I may listen to music (which also has the advantage of blocking out noise).
Lack of body awareness.
This one didn’t used to be a big problem, but since I became ill it’s more of an issue. Most of the time, I have no real awareness of my body. This means I’m not sure where it is in space, what it’s doing, and how it’s feeling. The reason this is a problem is because often I’m in pain (M.E. causes muscle and joint pain, headaches, sore throat and other pain issues) but I’m not aware of it, or if I’m aware of it I can’t tell where it is. I get asked a lot by doctors where the pain is, and it can take a long time for me to figure this out, if I ever do. The doctors don’t really understand how someone can be in pain, but not aware of it or where it is. Luckily for me, Johan is pretty good at telling me when I’m in pain (I tend to get crabby with him) so I can take painkillers.
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There are probably other areas where autism affects me, but brain fog means I can’t think of them right now. You may notice that social interaction isn’t there. That’s because it’s not a problem for me at the moment, as I’m pretty much housebound so the only people I really interact with in person (other than my husband Johan) now are doctors and carers, and I have scripts to deal with those situations. Johan understands me very well- he knows if I can’t speak I will type and use gestures to communicate, knows what to do if I’m panicky, in pain, overwhelmed and things. He also has some of the same issues I do, and is currently being assessed for autism.
There are many positives to being autistic, and I wouldn’t want to not be, as it’s a part of who I am. But just because I am able to type well, speak (most of the time) and before getting M.E. able to live pretty independently it doesn’t mean I don’t have my problems due to it, and I still need help to deal with them. I’m getting there though
I used to have an interest in many different areas. Human rights, discrimination, politics, free software, and other stuff- things I used to try and keep up with and trying to help reduce world suck in whatever way I could. Recently, I’ve not been able to do this.
The last time I took a proper interest in something like this was when Troy Davis was executed. I stayed up all night praying and hoping for the best, then praying and being upset when the worst happened. It completely exhausted me, and made me more ill. Since then, I’ve had to be careful not to allow myself to get caught up in injustices in the world, as the emotional energy I would spend on it is too much for my body to handle. I’ve been feeling really guilty about this, as basically I’m too tired to care.
The hardest hit march was last week. I was hoping to go, but I was too ill to do so. I sent one message on Twitter, and did nothing else. Well, I read the Twitter messages about it, but I watched no videos, read no blogs I wouldn’t have anyway, didn’t contact my MP or similar. I wanted to do something for the day a month ago, but I was just too tired too really care about it on the day. And this was for something that could affect me directly in the near future, as I’m currently living on disability benefits.
For other areas, I’ve been doing even less. I’ve even been ignoring certain Twitter messages from friends, as I don’t really want to know what bad stuff is going on. Emotional stuff for me is probably more draining than any other type of activity (mental or physical) though is harder for others to see as I don’t show my emotions that well. My carers and Johan may yell at me for crawling across the living room, as it’s using too much energy and will make me worse, but they can’t see if I get upset that someone’s going to become homeless due to ATOS, or has been killed, yet that will make me worse than the crawling.
I admire those who are able to protest and do stuff, especially those who are also disabled. I wish I could join you, but right now I’m just too tired to care about any cause.
(I have permission from Johan to talk about his mental health on my blog.)
Today I’ve had an enjoyable day. Woke up this morning, got washed, dressed, and hair done (in a French plait ) when lovely Icelandic carer came, then fell asleep again until this afternoon. This afternoon I went on my computer for a short while, and have been reading twitter and blogs while chatting to Johan about things. This evening we went to the MetroCentre, where I had makeup applied and then bought it all in Boots, followed by buying chocolates in Thorntons and going to Nandos for a lovely meal with Johan. We came home, and Johan gave me a lovely bed bath then a massage.
All that is very nice, and though I’ll pay for the day out in a day or two, it was worth it.
So what on earth does this have to do with World Mental Health Day?
I’m lucky- apart from some anxiety issues, I no longer have any severe mental health problems (I did have severe depression and also some psychotic features such as paranoia and hearing voices). I’ve been mentally stable for over 18 months, and stopped taking the last of my psychiatric medications about a week and a half ago. I had been suffering from depression for nearly 12 years before that, so I am extremely grateful to have reached this level of recovery. If it weren’t for the M.E. there is no reason why I wouldn’t be either at university or in a job right now.
Johan, on the other hand, is not so lucky. He’s currently suffering from bad depression. His brain is telling him nearly constantly to hurt himself. He is getting thoughts of suicide. His mood has dropped a lot, over the last fortnight and especially the last few days. Going out this evening and giving me a bed bath were distractions for him, but he was unable to enjoy them as he would have done if he was not depressed. He has asked me to stop him going into the kitchen and to stop him taking my medications as he’s worried that he will hurt himself. I am very worried about him.
Tomorrow we both have appointments with awesome GP, at about the same time. My appointment will be for discussing how I’m getting on with the tramadol (pretty well- it takes the edge of the pain most of the time) and probably talking about having to call an ambulance out on Saturday night (I’ve probably pulled a muscle in my chest, and it’s nowhere near as bad as it was). I’ll talk about that more in another blog post.
Johan’s appointment will be tell the doctor how Johan is getting on mood wise. He was started on sertraline a couple of weeks ago, when we told the doctor his anxiety was getting worse. Johan at the time wasn’t admitting that he was getting depressed again, so I didn’t mention it to the doctor. The medication takes a few weeks to get working, and it’s been making Johan very lethargic among other things, so we’ll be telling the doctor that. We’ll also have to tell the doctor about all the things I mentioned before. I’m hoping that awesome GP will be able to do something to help, though I’m not entirely sure what. Johan, as he’s depressed, is convinced he’s evil, he can’t be helped, and that he doesn’t deserve help. I am aware that this is depression talking, as I used to to think the same way. I do think he can be helped, and will be as supportive as I can be to try and get him that help. It may be that he will need a short stay in hospital, as I am unsure of our ability to keep him safe. Hopefully it won’t come to that.
So there we go. Today, on World Mental Health Day, I’ve been not doing anything to try and raise awareness, but more trying to cope with the mental health problems that have been hurting Johan, while at the same time have been grateful for how mine has improved.
So, I failed with the 30 Day Song Challenge. I’m currently not well, and have spent the last three days in bed (though I did manage to get a bath today, which helps make me feel a bit more human at least). I can’t sit up for more than a minute at a time right now without feeling really dizzy and faint, and having really bad pains in my back.
Anyway, it’s International M.E. Awareness Day today, which is part of M.E. Awareness week. Last night I recorded a video about it. How I am in the video is my normal “bad day”, if that makes any sense. It’s not the worst I’ve been, but I can be better.
1. The illness I live with is: ME/CFS – Myalgic Encephalopathy/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
2. I was diagnosed with it in: October 2010
3. But I have had symptoms since: September 2009 (or August 2009, if you include the Swine Flu I had first)
4. The biggest adjustment: Slowly going from someone who was fiercely independent, to having to accept help from Johan, and then from strangers.
5. Most people assume: That if I can do something once, I’ll be able to do it again or on another day. The illness is so variable that it’s hard for me to make plans, and I know that it can upset people when I say I can’t do something. Luckily, up to now most people have accepted I’m ill, which I know is difficult for other people with M.E.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: Actually waking up, and then staying awake for any length of time. I’m also often in a lot of pain first thing in the morning so I can’t judge if I’ll be able to get up that day. Having to get up when my carers arrive (if I can) is also difficult.
7. My Symptoms: Constant flu-like exhaustion, severe pain in my muscles and joints that are only partially helped by strong painkillers, constant headache and sore throat, muscle spasms- mostly in my hands and legs but also elsewhere, temporary paralysis in my legs and sometimes my arms (for a few hours), brain fog (short term memory problems, concentration issues, muddling words), muscle weakness that is so bad that I can’t walk or hold a pen, intolerance to light, noise and touch.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My computer, a laptop and HTC Desire. It means I can still do stuff when stuck in bed or my flat, and I can still attempt to study for my AS Level. Although not a gadget, my wheelchair is also brilliant as it means I can go out on good days.
9. The hardest part about nights are: Waking up multiple times from severe pain, and being too weak to be able to take any painkillers. Also needing the toilet, as I can’t get there.
10. Tablets a day:High dose (20,000 units) vitamin D for severe vitamin D deficiency three times a week, 50mg quetiapine and 50mg tramadol at night for my previous mental illness (which also help me sleep), 30-60mg nefopam up to three times a day for pain, 400mg ibuprofen up to three times a day for pain, 30mg lansoprazole every morning to protect my stomach from the ibuprofen.
11. Regarding alternative treatments: None so far. There are some I wouldn’t try, but I wouldn’t rule most out if I could access them and I thought they would help.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Hard one I had an invisible disabilty anyway (autism/dyspraxia), so M.E. is actually slightly more visible, as I use a wheelchair. I’d go visible if I have to choose, as it is more obvious.
13. Regarding working and career: Not happening right now I attend college when I’m able to, doing an AS Level in Computing, which only works because I get a lot of support and understanding at college. I’m wanting to go to university to do Computing and Networking, and then become a network administrator, but it may be that I have to delay it. I also have a backup job option of being a computer programmer if I’m not well enough to do network administration, because I can do that from bed
14. People would be surprised to know: Despite all the moaning and grumbling I do online, in real life I’m normally quite positive and happy I also feel that being physically ill is a lot easier to deal with than being mentally ill (at least for me). The moaning and grumbling online is because I’m still not used to being this ill, and change is bad
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: That I need so much help with things that when Johan had to go into hospital, I had to go into a care home. Also, not being able to be intimate with Johan, as any touch is too painful.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Recover from depression It’s probably not due to being ill (though the enforced rest helped), but I would have thought that the illness would help keep me depressed.
17. The commercials about my illness: Don’t exist. Which is wrong.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Reading long books in one sitting. Going out whenever I fancied it, rather than only when I’m well enough. Being able to meet up with friends. Being able to manage a full week at college. Being able to stay awake for more than a few hours at a time.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: Being independent.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Napping during the day Seriously, I’ve not really taken up any new hobbies, but I appreciate the one I have continued with (playing World of Warcraft) a lot more.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again: I’d probably just go to college, without my wheelchair, and spend time with my friends there and go to all my lessons Also spend time with Johan afterwards
22. My illness has taught me: That good friends will stick with you no matter what, and there are plenty of people who are willing to help, even in small ways such as opening doors and things. There are also people who don’t like moving from the wheelchair bay on the bus, which can be frustrating.
23. Want to know a secret: To manage college, I’ve basically given up everything else. I don’t even play World of Warcraft that often any more. Also, my main rule for whether I’m well enough to go into college is can I keep my eyes open and sit up? If so, I go in. This is probably not doing my health much good, but so long as I can get through my exam it’ll be worth it.
24. But I love it when people: Offer to help, with specific things. Open questions are very difficult for me to deal with, so things like “do you need anything?” or “anything I can do?” makes me panic. Also, when friends understand if I don’t reply to messages, or don’t make contact that often.
25. My favourite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: It’ll be okay in the end.
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: To listen to their bodies, accept help if it’s offered, and rest. Also, there are no guarantees with this illness, so don’t worry too much if you get worse- there’s a good chance you’ll get better as well. It’s also very individual- what happens to someone else may not happen to you- which includes treatments and things.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: Just how variable it can be, even through the day. Also that even little things can cause a big relapse, and that you just have to go with it.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Visited me in the care home It made me feel much better. Also friends who are understanding and try and make things easier for me.
29. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Happy that you’ve maybe learnt a little bit about this illness Also amazed you’ve managed to read this far
30. Something I want people to take away from this: M.E. is a real, physical illness. It can vary a lot- one day someone with it may seem perfectly fine, but underneath they may be struggling, and if they do too much they could end up unable to get out of bed. It’s also variable, so some people my have it mildly, whereas others may be so severely ill they have to stay in a darkened room, be tubefed, and cannot tolerate any noise, light or touch.
I am disabled. I have always had some form of disability. I was born autistic, with difficulties in communication and interacting with the world, a world that’s not really designed for people who think and see things like I do. I developed mental health problems when I was about 12. When I was 18, I had my first stay in a psychiatric ward. While there, I was told I should claim DLA, as my mental health problems were so severe I needed a lot of help just to live. I was one of the lucky ones- I applied and was awarded Higher Care and Lower Mobility on my first try. This means that the assessors agreed that I needed a lot of help during the day, at night, and when I went out.
When I say I was lucky, I mean it. Getting that rate of DLA meant I was automatically considered too ill to work, which meant that I could claim Income Support for incapacity purposes (I was ineligible for Incapacity Benefit as it was then because I’d not made any national insurance contributions) without having to go for medicals. Getting it on my first try meant I didn’t have to try and navigate the appeals system, which I was too ill to try and do. It meant that my partner could claim Carer’s Allowance, which meant he didn’t have to try and work and look after me full time.
The money from DLA pays for me to live as normal a life as possible. The mobility component pays most of the cost of my husband’s travel pass, as I cannot travel independently. The care component has paid for my wheelchair, for other items to help me with my disability. It has paid for ready meals and takeaways so when I was living alone I was able to eat everyday. It has paid for extra clothing when I’ve had weight gain due to medication. It paid for a clothes dryer which meant until my recent relapse, I could still do the washing. It pays for my internet connection so even when I’ve been very ill, I’ve been able to communicate. It pays for my travel costs to attend a college 20 miles away, one where I get specialist support that has enabled me to continue with my education. It has also enabled me to have enough money to pay for my interests, which went a long way in helping me come out of my nearly 12 year long depression.
In addition, Income Support is a passport benefit. It means that my council tax and rent are paid for me (I’m on Local Housing Allowance, which enables me to live in my flat). It pays for my prescriptions, which while I was trying out lots of different medications to try and help me would have been very expensive. The main thing though is that while I am ill, I don’t have to think about working, and nor does the person looking after me (a full time job that currently involves 6+ hours of travelling four days a week, on top of everything else).
I was hoping that once my mental health improved, I would no longer need DLA at the rate I was getting it. I will probably always be eligible for and need some DLA- even when completely well, my communication difficulties and lack of safety while outside caused by being autistic would mean I’d always need some support. Unfortunately, after getting the flu in August 2009 I continued to be physically ill, and I was diagnosed with M.E. a few months ago. The caring duties of my husband now include pushing me to college (as I am unable to walk for more than a minute, or self propel my wheelchair for much longer), physically helping me with tasks such as washing and dressing, making sure I eat even when I feel too ill to do so, and taking over all household tasks as I’m physically unable to do. I also need near constant companionship, because although I’m no longer depressed my brain is still quite capable of turning into a scared, shaky rat thinking that everything is out to get me and I need reassurance that it isn’t the case.
Do I want to work? Yes, very much so. I still look at job adverts in areas that I would be good at, if only I were well enough. I imagine applying for those jobs, being able to earn a wage, to stop being reliant on other people. I dream of being able to walk into an office, being able to manage a full workday, being productive. That’s all not possible at the moment. I manage college part time with frequent rest breaks and with an appalling attendance record. My lecturers are understanding if I cannot get into college that week- an employer wouldn’t be. I also have to rely on support staff while in college to push me to my lessons, to take me to get my lunch, to help me get to the toilet. The reason I continue to go to college is to get me the qualifications I need to eventually be able to work in an area that interests me, as most jobs for those without qualifications aren’t suitable due to things that go with being autistic, such as being sensitive to noise.
Take away my DLA, and I will no longer be able to attend college, or to buy the extra items that being disabled I need, including things like my wheelchair. Take away my Income Support, and I will no longer be able to live in my flat, to take my medication, to eat, to manage anything. I’ll be homeless while unable to walk, while unable to communicate effectively, while unable to care for myself. Force my husband to work, and my illness will get worse (as it did while he was ill). I’ve not been suicidal now for several months, but being dead is probably preferable than trying to live without the support, both financial and practical, that I currently get.
I apologise for the muddled-upness of this blog post. I used all my writing spoons on my exam on Thursday.
I also do some of the stuff that people are less understanding about, such as having something in my mouth a lot of the time (sucking on things reduces my anxiety and helps me concentrate), humming and random singing, making noises with hands and fingers, wrapping myself tightly in my quilt, piling pillows on top of myself. I also ignore “age appropriateness” when at home, so can go from discussing politics or science or other “grown up” topics to talking in very simplified language about wanting penguins or jelly within seconds. I also play with my wooden blocks, and can spend hours just looking at my colour changing lights or sparkly things. One of the things I want is a sensory room or area with soft flooring and nice lighting and reflective sparkly things where I can spend time just to be myself and not have to worry about things like bills or food shopping or anything else that is difficult for my brain. I was originally going to use the space behind the top of the stairs in our flat (maisonette), but since I can’t walk or manage stairs now and we’ll be moving, it’s been put on hold until we move so I can figure it out when there.
) when lovely Icelandic carer came, then fell asleep again until this afternoon. This afternoon I went on my computer for a short while, and have been reading twitter and blogs while chatting to Johan about things. This evening we went to the MetroCentre, where I had makeup applied and then bought it all in Boots, followed by buying chocolates in Thorntons and going to Nandos for a lovely meal with Johan. We came home, and Johan gave me a lovely bed bath then a massage.
