May 092012
 

For M.E. Awareness week I am blogging about living with M.E. On Monday I wrote about what M.E. is, and yesterday I wrote about how it affects me. Today I’m writing about how I cope with severe M.E.

Due to the severity of my M.E, I’m unable to do many of the normal everyday stuff that other people do. This doesn’t mean that I spend all my time moaning about stuff though (I do a bit of that when things are bad, but I try to limit it). I’m very lucky that I don’t have depression alongside my M.E, (in fact, I recovered from 12 years of severe depression a few months into getting M.E, which is hard to understand but I have my theories) so the motivation to do things is intact. It’s just my body doesn’t let me do them.

As I spend a lot of time lying in bed, I need something to do while there. The answer for me is the tablet computer I mentioned yesterday- my ASUS Eee Pad Transformer. Her name is Cameron :) She runs Android Ice Cream Sandwich 4.0.4 with a custom rom (that bit’s just because I’m a geek) and she basically keeps me sane. On Cameron I’m able to use Twitter (I like the Plume app- I’ve made it all colourful), keep up with emails, read blog posts and websites, play Draw Something (and get complimented on my drawings as I’ve got a 10″ screen which makes it easier than on a small phone), communicate with other people either online or when I can’t speak or it’s too exhausting, and when I’m well enough I can watch videos or television shows, read books or listen to music on it :) I’m also using it with the keyboard dock to type this blog post (the keyboard dock makes it like a netbook).

Twitter is an awesome source of support for me. As tweets are 140 characters or less, they’re short enough for my brain to process. I’ve met so many wonderful, supportive people on there, both with and without disabilities, and it’s so helpful to be able to talk to people who are going through similar things to me. I’m very fond of virtual hugs and squishes, especially as I’m often too ill for real life ones. The Spoonies* especially are amazing, as they’re all ill themselves yet try to help other people as much as they can. We celebrate each other’s acheievements, help each other with problems, and just chat and share things between us. I also get most of my news through there (often shared by someone I follow). Quite a lot of my day is spent on Twitter as it doesn’t make me more ill, and it’s a very postive thing for me.

I follow quite a lot of different blogs in my Google Reader, and try to read all the posts that are there. This doesn’t mean I necessarily understand them, and some of the longer ones can be quite hard (which I feel a bit bad about as I’m guilty of that myself) but it helps me keep up with things and follow what people are doing. Since reading is the easiest way for me to take in information, I read blogs in a similar way to how people listen to podcasts (which is very difficult for me- some people find it easier than reading but I’m not one of them) so it’s another good way for me to pass the time and feel like I’m doing something, even if I’m unable to comment very much at all. I also follow some I can haz cheezburger? and comic feeds that are normally good :)

My faith is very important to me, though it’s personal so I don’t talk about it all that much (it’s not that I’m embarrassed, it’s just something I don’t feel I need to share constantly). I’m a Christian (Anglican- mostly Anglo-Catholic though I’m very much for gay marriage, gay and female clergy at every level, and other “liberal” stuff) and knowing God is always there for me and Jesus knows what suffering is like is a constant comfort. I pray a lot, sometimes in words, most of the time without, and though I can’t make it to church I know He understands :)

I used to spend a lot of time on the AYME (Association of Young people with M.E) member forums, though now it’s difficult for me to get on there much. When I can though the support is awesome, especially from the other SAMs (severely affected members). I also receive emails and the magazine from them, and can contact them (or Johan can contact them for me) if I have any questions or I need help regarding my M.E. As most of the members are of normal education age it was especially helpful when I was attending college, as there were other people going through similar things. Although I don’t agree with their stance on some things (I’m not going to go into that here) the support I’ve had as a member, especially from the other members, is excellent.

I try to remain as positive as I can (this does not mean you should tell me or any other ill person to be positive- that just makes the person feel lousy). Everything I’m able to do is something to celebrate, even little things like being able to roll over and being able to eat solid food :) I am so grateful for everything I can do as I’m aware it could be so much worse. I limit the amount of bad news I read- I don’t avoid it entirely but as I can’t process things properly or do anything about it there’s no point me getting upset. I like trying to be as supportive of my friends as they are as me- not sure I manage that but I do like giving out squishes :) I hope they improve, especially those who are more ill than I am. I surround myself with things that make me happy- I have Penguin and Katie (my teddy) in my bed with me at all times (Penguin is normally in constant contact with me), Erica is close by, I have a penguin on my wall and a purple penguin canvas next to my bed. When we get the room decorated and the blind up it’ll be even nicer in here for me :) I know and like who I am and although I hate my M.E, I don’t hate myself.

When I can do something, I take advantage of it (though I try not to overdo it as that leads to payback or relapse). Sitting at my computer and playing World of Warcraft (which I currently do about 2 or 3 times a week, though I’m trying to build that up) is a big thing for me, even if I’m not well enough to do progression raiding with my guild now (though when I’m having a good day I can sometimes do Looking For Raid as that’s easy). That’s the best distraction from the pain and how ill I am I’ve got, as I get into my character and what I’m doing so well. Sometimes we’re quite creative to let me do things- I originally discovered I could stay upright in my wheelchair to stay upright by tying a scarf around my chest, which meant that getting a torso harness allowed me to go out a few times. That was just amazing and the memories from then helped me stay positive during the relapse. My weekly wash is one of the best parts of the week, even though it is so exhausting and painful at the time and causes payback.

The main thing I do is listen to my body. I don’t concentrate so much on what or how many symptoms I have (though sometimes they’re pretty demanding for me to know they’re there ;) , but more on how I’m feeling overall. I then judge if I feel up to doing something, and if I do I’ll do it. Sometimes I get this wrong and overdo it, but most of the time this works really well and it allowed me to build back up from the relapse in December, and it’s helping me recover from the relapse a few weeks ago. I don’t have structured rests breaks (trying to do that and track them was too exhausting), but most of the stuff I do is pretty low energy and I often just stare into space or just lie there with my eyes closed for 5-10 minutes, which seems to work just as well. Sometimes if I feel I need it I’ll either nap or lie with my eye mask on to rest completely. I sleep when I feel sleepy (which is slightly different to the exhaustion and fatigue I experience all the time) and do things when I feel able to do them. It means I’m not always awake at the same times each day, but trying to force a “normal” sleeping pattern just makes me worse.

On the more medical side, I take tramadol and ibuprofen for the pain, lansoprazole to protect my stomach from the ibuprofen (which also helps with my acid reflux and heartburn a bit), cyclizine to cope with nausea, Buccastem (buccal prochlorperazine) if I’m vomiting too much to take the cyclizine (which works better and for longer, but the Buccastem works long enough for me to take it) and I was meant to be taking vitamin D and calcium supplements but the form I was given (a powder to be mixed up as a drink) was intolerable so I need to ask the doctor for an alternative (when I was last tested for them my vitamin D levels were on the higher side of normal after intensive supplementation as I’d been severely deficient and my calcium levels were normal, so it’s not urgent but it’s to prevent any problems from occuring). These make life tolerable. Last year I was able to come off the psychiatric medication I’d been taking for severe depression (which had helped me a lot) without any relapse. That was a big achievement for me.

Every medical professional I’ve had dealings with since I’ve had M.E. has been very supportive. Some have been surprised at how severe my M.E. is (I then tell them that it can be a lot worse) but all have accepted it’s a physical illness and just want to help me be as well as possible and hopefully improve. This makes me exceptionally lucky, but being believed and knowing I have medical support there makes things so much easier to deal with. The main advice I’ve been given is to get lots of rest, and there has been no suggestion that I do exercise or get any counselling to think my way out of this, though I do see a psychologist and a physiotherapist (the CFS clinic people) to help with management. I did have to have depression ruled out as a cause but due to my history I understood why my consultant wanted to do that before confirming my diagnosis. My old GP recognised my M.E. and initially diagnosed me. My new GP hasn’t even met me yet but has already been very helpful with prescribing medication and contacting the CFS clinic to see how they can help more, and if I need one I can get a home visit (I don’t want to bother them if I don’t need to, and the things I need at the moment are minor so can either wait until I can get there or possibly be sorted through another appointment that Johan attends for me),

I get (or am in the process of getting) all the support I’m entitled to (at least as far as I know). My benefits are currently sorted, and although I’m yet to be transferred over to ESA I’m obviously ill enough and very easily meet the criteria to get into the support group, though I’m aware I may need to appeal for that. My main worry is the medical but I’m hoping my GP will support me for a home visit, and I already convinced one ATOS doctor for DLA. I’m also entitled to social care, around 15 hours a week, which should be in place again soon. That should help quite a bit. I also go into a care home three times a year for respite to give Johan a break, which helps him loads which in turn helps me. We’re also getting some people in (paid for from my DLA) to do some housework.

My friends have been amazing. Some of them don’t understand M.E. itself (I’m happy to answer any questions they have or direct them to information if they’re interested but don’t want to force it on people who may not want or may struggle to understand) but they’ve all been very supportive and stood by me when I got more ill. They understand that contact may be sporadic as chatting to people is exhausting but when I’m able to they’re just the same as ever :) I’m unable to use Facebook much at the moment as it’s too confusing and exhausting so I don’t keep in touch as often as I like, but I like to see what they’re up to when I can and celebrate with them. I’ve already mentioned the Spoonies and my other friends on Twitter who are a great source of support, and as well as Twitter and Facebook I’ve also made new friends through AYME.

South Tyneside College helping me as much as they did and trying everything they could to help me achieve what I did and to try and help me continue was brilliant. I am sad that I just got too ill to finish my A Level, but I did get my A in AS Computing and I learnt lots at Interface (the autism unit) as well. A special mention goes to Simin, my Computing lecturer, the staff and students at Interface, and especially to Louise, who was my key worker/personal tutor the entire time I was there, and did everything she could to help me, not only with my autism but also with my depression and anxiety and then with my M.E. I don’t think I’d be coping anywhere near as well as I am without what I learnt at Interface and without the support that Louise gave me.

The main person who helps me cope with everything though is Johan. He is my husband and my main carer, and for both he’s been as supportive as he could be. He does everything for me that I can’t do, and helps me with everything that I need help with, and he doesn’t complain and acts like it’s no big deal (except when I’ve woken him up, but that’s understandable :P ). He struggles with some bits (the carer and cleaners will help a lot with that) and needs a break when he can get one, but he rarely complains and just get on with it. Without him, I’d be in a care home (which would be worse for me, especially long term). I love him so much and he helps me deal with life so well, and I’m so much happier being with him. I know he feels the same :) He often doesn’t realise just how much he does for me, but he’s giving me the best life I can possibly have with this illness and I’m extremely grateful for that. He is awesome :)

I was hoping initially that this post would be shorter than yesterday’s, but it’s turned out longer. I think I like that my coping post is longer than the post talking about how I’m suffering :)

*For the Spoon Theory, see butyoudontlooksick.com. It’s a very good, simple way to describe living with a chronic illness, especially one that can fluctuate like M.E or Lupus (which the author has) does. Some of us who use it call ourselves Spoonies.

 Posted by at 1:49 pm
May 012012
 

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I believe this is the first year I’ve actively participated in Blogging Against Disablism Day. I wasn’t sure I’d be participating this year either, but I’m well enough to write a blog post so am doing so :)

I have more than one disability. I have severe M.E, which is the most obvious one as it means I can’t walk so use a wheelchair when I’m able to get out of bed. I am autistic, dyspraxic (considered part of autism) and have anxiety, which is mostly related to autism. I also have a history of severe depression and other mental health issues, which luckily I have recovered from.

When most people think of making things accessible, they think of ramps and lifts. Ramps and lifts are awesome things and I wouldn’t be able to do as much as I can without them. It’s brilliant that more and more buildings and services are becoming accessible to those with mobility problems, though there are still places that need a lot of work. The thing is, mobility problems aren’t the only types of disability. For me, the autism, dyspraxia and anxiety, and previously depression also are disabilities, which I require help with and mean I have different access needs. Of course, other people with different disabilities such as sight or hearing impairments, learning disabilities and such will also have access needs that need to be taken into consideration, but a lot of the time these are overlooked as people automatically think of wheelchairs.

One of the biggest areas of difficulty I’ve had related to accessibility is regarding being able to access services without using a telephone. I have auditory processing difficulties that make hearing someone on the telephone very difficult, especially if the other person is in a busy place, a call centre or the line is bad. I find it difficult to know what to say on the telephone, especially if I’m unable to predict what the other person is going to say. I also have periods of time when I completely lose speech, and have no way of knowing when I’ll be able to speak reliably again. Add on to that anxiety, and using the telephone is an exceptionally difficult task that I try to avoid if at all possible. When I also had depression and for a while afterwards it was just impossible. (The M.E also makes it difficult as conversations are very energy draining without adding on the extra issues, but I’m going to ignore that for now.) To add to things, Johan also has similar difficulties, though in most cases he finds it a little easier than I do.

Now, difficulty using the telephone is relatively common among those with mental health problems, as well as for autistic people. Despite this, one of the hardest services to access without using the telephone is mental health services. Crisis care here is accessed by telephone, a lot of the time appointments are made or changed via telephone, contacting social workers or CPNs is done by telephone. When I was last in contact with mental health services about 18 months ago it was still impossible to use email as a substitute, and when Johan was in contact with them more recently he was also not given an email address, but just a telephone number. If you needed to speak to your social worker urgently and couldn’t use the telephone, it was a matter of tough- either you get someone else to do it for you or go without. Letters can take a couple of days to get to the recipient (ignoring issues of being able to get out to post it) which may be too long in a crisis. Of course, deaf people will also have this problem, so it’s also discriminating against them.

Some areas of the NHS and social services are embracing new technology to enable more accessibility. I communicate with my (physical disability) social worker by email, as I do the OT who is arranging adapting my flat and a few other people. In a lot of doctors surgeries it’s now possible to arrange appointments and order repeat prescriptions online, as well as by telephone and by going into the surgery itself, and more are signing up to that as time passes. Unfortunately there are still a lot of organisations and services though that assume everyone either has the ability to use the telephone themselves or has someone willing to do it for them. I’ve had to send angry complaints to a few companies who insisted that they could only do certain things by telephone (in most of those cases, when I told them they were being discriminatory an alternative method was suddenly found, often meaning an email address).

I’m aware I’ve concentrated on one very specific area where things aren’t as accessible as they easily could be (a lot of the places such as mental health services are already using email internally, so providing an email address for clients who need it wouldn’t be difficult to organise). This is just an example though- there are lots of other areas where services could make things more accessible to more people that they probably don’t think about. I wanted to think of more examples but my brain is too foggy now, so I think I will leave it there. I suggest you go to the main Blogging Against Disablism Day 2012 page and read the other blogs on there :)

 Posted by at 7:25 am
Jan 172012
 

I am taking a minute in between panicking about things such as moving next week to ask my lovely readers to help with something.

Today the Lords are going to be debating the PIP parts of the Welfare Reform Bill. As there have been lots of problems with the consultation, and we’re worried that the changeover is going to be as messed up as that from Incapacity Benefit to ESA, we are asking that they pause the implementation of PIP for a bit so we can sort out all the problems beforehand. I’m sure you agree that this is a reasonable request.

For more information go see Sue’s blog (much betterer than mine- I suggest you follow it as well). Thank you.

http://diaryofabenefitscrounger.blogspot.com/2012/01/clause-80-amendment-50e.html

 Posted by at 8:41 am
Jan 092012
 

In a long ramble a few days ago, I mentioned how the government is planning on changing disability benefits which will make things really bad and mean that seriously ill and disabled people won’t get the help they need. Turns out the government have also been not telling the truth about the consulting and stuff that they did, and so ordinary disabled people funded research (carried out by other ordinary disabled people) into the government’s plans and things.

As the plans are going to affect lots of people who could really do without the extra stress of worrying if they’re going to lose money, become homeless, lose carers, lose their jobs because they can’t afford to get there, it’s important that as many people as possible read and distribute the linked press release and report. For my part, I’ve emailed it to my MP Dave Anderson (Blaydon constituency) so I’ll report back as soon as I hear from him. I’ll also link to more informative and better written blog posts as I find them.

Responsible Reform Report

Responsible Reform Press Release

Sue March in the Guardian about the report.

Thank you for your support.

 Posted by at 10:00 am
Jan 042012
 
Happy Danni

Happy Danni

I am happy. Considering there was a 12 year period where being happy was exceptionally difficult, being able to say that on a near daily basis is awesome. There are lots of things that make me happy.

I like penguins. Seeing penguins makes me smile- it’s very difficult for me to be sad or upset for long when I am around and aware of penguins. When I was depressed I wasn’t able to be properly aware of penguins, so they couldn’t make me as happy as they do now. My living room is covered in penguins, and everytime I spot one I get a rush of happiness in my brain.

I like the colour purple. Purple is nice and calming and reassuring. I also have quite a lot of purple, as it’s my favourite colour. I covered my wheelchair in purple fabric. When we move house my bedroom is going to be purple (and possibly the living room as well).

I have some amazing friends. Most of them are online- I talk to them on Twitter, Facebook and AYME. These are people who make me feel good about myself, which in turn makes me feel happy. I have reduced my contact with people who get me down, which has also helped. Funnily enough, a lot of my friends have depression or other mental health problems, but because they are so nice and kind even with their illnesses they are a positive part of my life rather than a negative.

Reading blogs and being in touch with people on Facebook and Twitter helped me recover from my depression. Being able to read about other people’s experiences and seeing that I wasn’t alone made it so much easier to get out of the hell I was in. Blogging myself (on my old blog) also helped a lot, as it let me get some of my thoughts and feelings into a way that I could understand them. Being on the right medication also helped, as did having doctors (GP and psychiatrist) who listened to me, accepted me as I was, and stopped trying to force me into boxes that I don’t fit into.

Being diagnosed with autism was also a major step in the right direction for me. I had an explanation for why I was different to other people. I came across autistic adults on the internet who were able to teach me mostly through example that being autistic is okay. Accepting my autism made my life so much easier. I’d especially like to thank Kassiane S., Amanda B., Laura T., Laura R. and those who used to go to the Autistic Liberation Front meetings in Second Life for chatting to me and helping me through the period before and during diagnosis, and while my life was turned upside down.

My old social worker Balamory was also a massive help in my quest to recover from depression. She noticed my autistic traits and badgered lots of people on my behalf, helped me find acceptable housing when I needed it, and also found and helped me attend Interface, the autism unit I used to go to. I wish I had a way of letting you know how far I’ve come since I first met you.

Interface was a massive help. It was my first experience of specialist education, and it allowed me to be successful at college for the first time. There were lots of skills I learnt there that I needed to know to help my independence, both taught on the curriculum and learnt just by being there and with the help of the staff, especially my keyworker Louise. Being able to attend such a brilliant facility just after receiving my diagnosis and having a safe space to just be myself made college doable, even while I was still very mentally ill. Without Louise I don’t think I’d be where I am now.

Learning to be myself again was probably the biggest thing that has made me happy. I spent many years trying to fit in with everyone else, and not quite succeeding. Learning that I was autistic, that being autistic is okay, that being different is okay was one of the best lessons I could have learnt. Once I stopped surpressing my need to move (rocking, flapping, pacing, bouncing) in safe places (at home and in Interface) and then gradually becoming less concerned about doing some of the less extreme movements when out in public meant that I could control my anxiety and actually manage with stuff without it becoming overwhelming. Listening to music, wearing ear defenders, wearing tinted glasses, carrying a pen, my stones and a penguin of some kind with me everywhere are all things that don’t affect anyone but help me to deal with things. Rocking and flapping may look a bit odd, but they don’t hurt anyone and are much better than biting myself or melting down (which sometimes results in head banging).

At home I’m free to not do anything to try and fit in. I play with language- making up words, messing with grammar, talk about random things when they pop into my head. Colin, Vicky and Johan know this very well :) I also do some of the stuff that people are less understanding about, such as having something in my mouth a lot of the time (sucking on things reduces my anxiety and helps me concentrate), humming and random singing, making noises with hands and fingers, wrapping myself tightly in my quilt, piling pillows on top of myself. I also ignore “age appropriateness” when at home, so can go from discussing politics or science or other “grown up” topics to talking in very simplified language about wanting penguins or jelly within seconds. I also play with my wooden blocks, and can spend hours just looking at my colour changing lights or sparkly things. One of the things I want is a sensory room or area with soft flooring and nice lighting and reflective sparkly things where I can spend time just to be myself and not have to worry about things like bills or food shopping or anything else that is difficult for my brain. I was originally going to use the space behind the top of the stairs in our flat (maisonette), but since I can’t walk or manage stairs now and we’ll be moving, it’s been put on hold until we move so I can figure it out when there.

Sammie also makes me happy. As much as I wish I could have her living with me and that I could look after her myself, accepting that I wasn’t in the right place for that (before with my mental health problems, now with my M.E.) and that she is doing so well with her grandparents and is happy herself is enough to make me very happy. I have been terrible at keeping in contact with her, but I’m trying to fix that as I love her more than anyone else in the world.

Johan is just amazing. I am so lucky to have found someone who accepts me for who I am, who has similar interests, and who I love being with and spending time with. That he voluntarily took on the role of carer, both with my mental health problems and now with my physical health problems, while he was struggling himself makes him my hero. I does help that he seems to love me as much as I love him, and I would quite happily spend the rest of my life with him.

Colin and Vicky also took on the carer role for me, going way beyond what was needed as a friend. Both of them helped me to become more independent, and that also meant it was easier to learn to be happy. I will be eternally grateful to both of them for this.

All of this- learning who I was and accepting me for me, learning I wasn’t alone and that there were other people who had similar experiences or similar ways of thinking to me, making some amazing friends who help me feel good about myself, some great support from some brilliant people, having a happy daughter, being in a loving relationship, feeling safe and secure and able to be me, means I was able to recover from depression and be happy. And I like it.

 Posted by at 2:14 pm
Jan 042012
 

I’m having a lot of brain fog issues at the moment, so this may not make much sense and may contain errors. Please correct me if you spot any- I’m not looking stuff up as I’m typing this.

In the UK currently there are lots of cuts to disability benefits occurring. Most of them aren’t being branded as cuts of course- they’re branded as “improvements” to reduce the amount of benefit fraud and help disabled people back into work.

There are problems with this. The two main disability benefits are Incapacity Benefit (currently being replaced by Employment Support Allowance – ESA) and Disability Living Allowance – DLA (which is planned to be replaced with Personal Independence Payments – PIP). Despite all the media saying that there’s massive amounts of fraud with these benefits, the fraud rate for Incapacity Benefit is 0.3% and the fraud rate for DLA is 0.5%. These are the lowest levels of fraud for any state benefit, including the state pension (which is based off age, so I would have thought it would have been harder to claim fraudulently).

For the last couple of years, you haven’t been able to make a new claim for Incapacity Benefit (the out of work sickness benefit). You have to claim ESA instead. ESA is a lot harder to get on purpose. I’ve never actually claimed Incapacity Benefit (I get Income Support for incapacity reasons instead, as I didn’t have enough national insurance contributions and they messed up with the young person’s rule years ago, but never mind :p) but I think you filled in the form, submitted sick notes from the doctor while the DWP assessed you by getting information from the form and doctors, you’d get a medical with a doctor if there was any confusion or they needed any information, and then if you were classed as too sick to work, you’d be on Incapacity Benefit for a while without having to submit sick notes, and depending on why you were on it you would be reassessed periodically to see if there’s any change. That could all be wrong though, as I’ve never done it and I can’t be bothered to look it up right now.

For me, I had to submit sick notes for a bit, but when I claimed DLA and received the higher care rate (DLA is for care and mobility needs due to long term illness or disability, and is not an out of work benefit- you can get it whether your working or not) which meant I needed care frequently during the day and night, I was automatically considered too ill to work and no longer had to submit sick notes and didn’t have to worry about having medicals and stuff. I think this applied to Incapacity Benefit and Income Support for incapacity reasons.

Quick note about Income Support- that’s what you get if you’re poor, not working and not able to work for some reason (being too ill, being a carer, being a parent of a small child). As you can guess from the name, it’s based on making sure you have enough income (as the letters say, how much the law says you need to live on), so some people would get a bit of Income Support on top of Incapacity Benefit, especially if they live alone, also get some DLA (which means you get extra money on your Income Support as well, though it gets complicated so will not discuss them here) or if they live with a partner who doesn’t work, or earns tiny amounts in part time work. If you can work but aren’t because you’re unemployed, you get Job Seekers Allowance instead, which is the same rate as Income Support but requires you to be looking for work.

ESA is a bit different. You send in your doctor’s sick notes as normal at the start (though they’re now called fit notes), fill in a form from hell (all disability benefit forms are forms from hell- with one exception being the 4 page DLA renewal form that I’ve had once but most people never see). They contact your doctors and stuff, then call you in for a medical with ATOS. The medical person may be a doctor, but might be a nurse or another health professional instead. They’ve probably had no experience with whatever it is that’s making you too ill to work (especially if it’s mental health issues) and will probably show no interest in knowing either. The medical is a tick box thingie on the computer, with lots of questions like “can you touch your toes” and “can you raise your arms above your head” (even if you’re claiming for mental health reasons). They tick boxes, then send the report to the decision maker at the DWP, who is meant to take everything into consideration (the form, your GPs and specialist reports, and the ATOS medical) but who is more likely to agree with whatever the ATOS medical person said and ignore everything else (you know, the stuff from you and people who actually know you and your illness/disability).

There’s three rates for ESA. There’s the assessment rate, which is the same as Job Seekers Allowance (and for the more observant of you, the same as the base rate of Income Support, but that’s not really relevant as you can get ESA and Job Seekers even if not completely poor based on your national insurance contributions- they call that contributions based, funnily enough). You’re on that while being assessed (no way!). Then when you’ve been all assessed, there’s the Work Related Activity Group – WRAG rate, which is a bit more, though the politicians who set the rates would still struggle. You’re meant to be put in this group if you’re not well enough to work right now, but you should be able to work in the future with a bit of help and support, so you have to attend interviews with this goal every few weeks (but you don’t have to actively seek work as you do on Job Seekers). If you’re considered too ill or disabled to work at all (there is some criteria for this, such as not being able to walk or self propel a wheelchair 50 metres) then you get put in the support group, which is even more money (though still not enough for those pesky politicians to live off) and means you don’t have to do the interviews.

Unlike the current system, there’s no automatic exemption from reassessment if you’re on higher care DLA. Pretty much everyone (it may be everyone, but I can’t remember right now) will be reassessed again after a period of time, which may be as short as a few months (brain is saying 3 or 6, but I’m not sure which). Even if you’re so disabled that you get put in the support group and get high care DLA, you may have to go through the whole lot again after a few months.

To make things worse, lots and lots of people are assessed incorrectly. They either fail to qualify for the WRAG rate so are expected to go job hunting, or they put in the WRAG when they should be in the Support Group. As this is not on, they appeal. And win- 40% if doing so by themselves, 70% if they get help. There’s currently a massive backlog of appeals, they’ve had to bring in extra judges to process them, and if you need to appeal you’ll probably have to wait a year. While you’re appealing, if you’ve been denied ESA at all you’re allowed to claim the assessment rate (which isn’t much- about £67 a week, and less if you’re under 25). If you’re lucky enough to be put in the WRAG instead of the support group, you get a bit of extra money (though not as much as if you were in the support group) but you’ll have to do those interviews while you’re waiting for your appeal to go through, even if you’re bed bound.

Of course this is all really stressful. Even while there were lots of problems with ESA (especially the tick box medical) and all the charities and even the politicians could see it wasn’t working properly for new claimants, the government in all their wisdom have now started moving everyone who was on Incapacity Benefit over to ESA. And people who got Incapacity Benefit without issue for years (because they qualified, not because they were scrounging- remember the 0.3% fraud rate?) are being thrown off ESA and expected to go on Job Seekers and look for a job. So of course they’re appealing as well, which is making everything worse. Oh, and those of us on Income Support for incapacity reasons are also going to be moved over to ESA by 2013. I can’t see that improving the situation.

So that’s ESA. It’s failing, and the government aren’t fixing it. At least they’re acknowledging there are problems though, while saying we’re all scroungers. I guess that’s something…

DLA next. As I said earlier, it’s for those with a long term illness or disability that means you have extra care or mobility needs. It’s not an out of work benefit, as you can get it while you’re working (and indeed, it helps some people with disabilities to be able to work, by helping with extra costs). Children can get it as well, and if you’re already getting it when you turn 65, you’re allowed to keep claiming it (if you become disabled after you turn 65 though, it’s Attendance Allowance for you, which is different and not as good, but I’m not going into that further here).

There are two components to DLA- care and mobility. The care component has three rates- low if you just need a bit of extra help during the day, or (if over 16) you can’t cook a proper meal for yourself because of your disability (bunging something in the microwave does not count as proper cooking). Middle you get if you have frequent care needs during the day or night, and high if you have frequent care needs during both the day and night. There are two rates for the mobility component- lower if you need someone with you when you’re out and about, and higher if you’re unable, or virtually unable to walk.

Getting DLA is not easy, and the system isn’t perfect. There’s the form from hell (over 40 pages) then all the evidence and stuff, then you might need to have a medical with an ATOS doctor (I think it’s always a doctor for DLA, but I may be wrong). Unlike ESA though, the medical actually goes through what your disability is, and how it affects you and what your care and mobility needs are. I’ve only had to do it once (lucky me!) but the doctor was nice, listened to me, understood when I couldn’t do certain tasks, and let me ask questions and make some clarifications at the end. I’m hoping that’s the normal experience, but I suspect I probably just got lucky.

If you’re very lucky (like me), you get DLA first time. More likely though, you’ll either get declined or they’ll put you on a lower rate than you’re entitled to. This is because the decision makers have a tendency to completely ignore everything you wrote and all your evidence, and send you a nice letter with reasons that appear to be written about someone else. When I asked for them to relook at my claim for a change in circumstances (I became unable to walk) that happened. Anyway, when your unsuccessful, you appeal. It appears that more and more people are being declined DLA, including people who have claimed it successfully in the past and have not gotten any better (or have got worse). I can’t remember how many DLA appeals are successful, but I think it’s a lot lower than for ESA as more claims are accurate to begin with (though that’s becoming less of the case now).

Okay, so DLA isn’t perfect, but once you’ve got it it’s not too bad. You may get it indefinitely if you’ve got something that won’t get better (this means they can look at your claim again, but may not for a long time), or you’ll get it for a certain period of time before needing to reapply. For me, I got it for one year the first time, two years the second time and three years the third time (I then asked for a reconsideration due to change in circumstances a year into the third claim, because I became unable to walk so was entitled to higher rate DLA, having previously got lower rate). My DLA is due for renewal in January 2013, and though I’m hoping not to need it (or at least not need it at as high a rate, as with the current rules I’ll always be entitled to some due to autism) I’ve accepted a probably will, but may have it declined.

Despite its problems, DLA works really well. You know when you’re going to be reapplying. Having DLA works as a passport to other things, such as extra Income Support, Carer’s Allowance if you have an unpaid carer (for middle or higher care), a blue badge and a free bus pass if you get higher mobility, and lots of things that require proof of disability accept a DLA letter. I also really like the 4 page renewal form I got last time, as being able to tick that nothing had changed, sign it, send it back and then getting it renewed for 3 years was really painless. The government could probably improve the form, but at least you know with it you’ve probably gone through everything. The three different rates of care are also good, as it acknowledges the extra costs that come up if you’re mostly independent, but may need some help for part of the day, say for cooking a meal.

The government wants to scrap this mostly working benefit and replace it with PIP. They claim this is to improve it, but they’ve also said they want to save 20% off the costs of DLA with it. They’re doing this by tightening up the criteria for it, so that lots of disabled people who are getting DLA now won’t be entitled to it. They’re removing the lower rate of care, and lots of things that DLA accounted for will be ignored in it. And it sucks. I’ve looked at the criteria and if I’m still as ill when it’s implemented I should get the higher rates still, but I suspect that I will have to fight for it and other people with less obvious disability will be declined it, even if they should be entitled to help. The transistion is meant to take place in 2013.

I’m upset. So are lots of other disabled people, who are far more eloquent than me. The government and the press are bringing in these changes by hounding us in the media and saying we’re all scroungers and we should all be working. My friends, some of whom are just as disabled as I am, are being denied the benefits they need to live. And with all these changes, it’s only going to get worse.

 Posted by at 11:32 am
Jan 022012
 

I did this last year, and enjoyed it so will repeat it for this year.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Had an entire year as an adult without depression :) Also, got an A in an AS Level exam :P

2. Did you keep your New Year’s Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I mostly kept to them, and have made more (see previous post).

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I know of.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
I stayed in England this year.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
My health would be nice…

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
26th December. I made a phone call to Sammie for her birthday and didn’t panic!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Probably improving my phone phobia, though passing my exams was cool too :P

9. What was your biggest failure?
My body. It decided that it wasn’t already annoying me enough and made things a lot harder.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My M.E. got a lot worse, resulting in me being completely bedbound at times, and mostly bedbound for about half the year. Also lost the ability to walk completely, so when I could get out of bed I had to use the wheelchair. I also had some teeth taken out under a general anaesthetic, with one of them having been bothering me since 2010.

11. What was the best thing someone bought you?
Sammie bought me a World’s Greatest Mummy cup. She also made me a penguin. (I do appreciate the penguins other people have given me this year, but Sammie wins. Sorry.)

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Johan’s, for looking after me, and my friends on Twitter and AYME for being so nice, kind and understanding (that includes all of you with depression).

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and/or depressed?
Most of the Tory and Lib Dem government.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills and disability equipment.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
PENGUINS!!!!!! :D

16. What songs will always remind of 2011?
Forever Yours by Alex Day.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Happier.
b) fatter or skinnier?
Skinnier. I keep losing weight. I’m happy with it, and want it to stay the same now, but I don’t seem to have much control over it.
c) richer or poorer?
Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Probably blogging.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Pushing myself too hard.

20. How do you plan to spend Christmas?
I spent Christmas in bed, being waited on by Johan and watched Doctor Who. Happiness.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
Nope, but I made some new friends who I love :)

22. How many one night stands?
Since I haven’t been able to get out without Johan all year, I’d wouldn’t have been able to even if I wanted to (which I don’t, as I have Johan).

23. What was your favourite TV programme?
Doctor Who!

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Still don’t hate anyone. Dislike the government.

25. What was the best book you read?
Either Sapphire Battersby or the Hunger Games series.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Alex Day and Chameleon Circuit.

27. What did you want and get?
Penguins! An A in my AS Computing. I also got the new television I wanted last year :P

28. What did you want and not get?
My health to improve. Instead it got worse (I am not happy with you, body).

29. What was your favourite film of this year?
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2.

30. What did you do on your birthday?
Received a big DLA back payment, so bought a television :P I also ate Doctor Who cake. The day before I’d gone to Flamingo Land with Johan and college so got to go on the rides and see the penguins, which was awesome.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
My health being better, though to be fair the year was very satisfying anyway :)

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Purple and pyjamas.

33. What kept you sane?
Chocolate, penguins and Twitter :)

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Summer Glau (still).

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
The government making things even harder for poor, ill and disabled people. Stupid idiots.

36. Who do you miss?
Sammie, as I’ve not been well enough to see her this year, though I am in contact with her.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
All my new friends on Twitter and at AYME :D

38. What was the best thing you ate?
I’m not sure. At times just being able to eat was amazing :P

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011?
It’s a really good idea to listen to your body if you’re ill, otherwise it may rebel against you.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I can’t think of a song lyric :( Giving up after about half an hour of trying to think of one.

 Posted by at 2:23 am
Jan 022012
 
Danni sitting in bed, drinking from a wine glass with a straw.

Danni sitting in bed, drinking from a wine glass with a straw.

So it is now 2012. A year where lots will probably happen, but I only know a little of it. London is hosting the Olympics, we’ll probably move house. Johan will find out if he’s on the autistic spectrum or not.

Last year I made some resolutions. Here they are:

  1. Be kind to myself.
  2. Be more aware of my limitations, and stop overdoing it so much.
  3. If something is medically wrong, seek help sooner, rather than 6 months down the line.

I think I did well keeping these over the year. I was much kinder to myself, with the result that I’m much happier than I was a year ago. My anxiety levels have dropped a lot, and this has meant I’ve been able to work on some of those pesky phobias. The second one took a while to get used to, and I still slipped up (especially trying to go back to college for a second year) but overall I’m much better at being aware of my limitations and sticking to them. As for the last one, I did seek help when I needed to a few times. Luckily I’ve had no major new symptoms in the last year, they’ve just been a lot more severe. When I did get something new (chest pain) I sought help immediately and it was sorted quickly. The only problem with it is now I can’t see doctors by leaving the flat without breaking number 2 :P

For this year, I’m making very simple resolutions.

  1. Try and get better.
    By this I mean do whatever is in my power to improve, such as resting enough and listening to my body. The improvements I’ve seen in the last few days mean I’ve got a head start on this one :)
  2. If I can’t get better, try not to get worse.
    Since I can’t control M.E (as much as I want to), I’m not going to be upset if I don’t improve. I will however try and prevent relapses and things.
  3. If I can’t do either, try and stay happy.
    I may not be able to prevent myself getting worse, but I do have some control over my emotions so I’ll try and remain happy anyway :)

To keep this year’s resolutions, I’ll have to keep last years. I’m happy with that :)

 Posted by at 1:36 am
Dec 262011
 

Happiness is having a brilliant Christmas.

Happiness is being able to sit up, both in bed and in a chair for a little bit.

Happiness is being able to eat proper food (without choking!).

Happiness is being surrounded by penguins.

Happiness is spending time with a loved one, with no distractons.

Happiness is knowing you have friends who like and love you for who you are.

Happiness is talking to your daughter on her birthday, and hearing the excitement in her voice about Christmas and birthday celebrations.

Happiness is getting all your Christmas wishes coming true.

Happiness is hearing your friends are happy.

Happiness is knowing that your safe and secure.

Happiness is getting lots of lovely, well thought out cards and presents :p

Happiness is being grateful that M.E. didn’t ruin everything.

Thank you.

 Posted by at 9:56 pm
Nov 292011
 

Today has been an interesting day. I woke up about 6.30am, being properly awake by about 7.3oam. This is becoming normal for me, though I do miss being a night owl a bit. Will be good for Friday morning, though. I had to wake Johan up as he’d put his doctors appointment in the calendar for 8.50am and he takes ages to wake up because of his mirtazapine.

Got Johan up (yay cuddles) and he went to the doctors surgery, where he discovered his appointment was for 9.50am, not 8.50am. This caused him to panic, though I helped him calm down with more cuddles. Sent him out again at 9.40am, then got increasingly anxious and panicky while he was gone, worrying about him :p (I’d recently been going to his appointments with him as he found it easier with me there, but I’m too ill to do that now). He was fine, though had a bit of an anxiety attack. We had more cuddles, and things were okay.

The carer’s association people came in the afternoon, and that went okay. Johan got an email from my social worker in the middle of it which made me angry (the agency have been lying to him). Things are hopefully going to improve as the carer’s association people are going to help Johan with stuff and have told him about a digital photography group he can go to, which would be good for him.

This evening we had Chinese, as I was craving won tons (I had won ton soup and crispy won tons :p). I also managed to go into World of Warcraft for the first time in a few days, which was cool. Our friend Bluesapphire  has been made guild master, which is awesome as she was basically running the guild anyway :) Sammie’s Nintendo 3DS also arrived, and I can confirm it is very pink :)

Oh, and today I actually managed to get dressed :p In clean pyjamas now. Little things like that make me happy.

 

 Posted by at 8:14 pm