So, I failed with the 30 Day Song Challenge. I’m currently not well, and have spent the last three days in bed (though I did manage to get a bath today, which helps make me feel a bit more human at least). I can’t sit up for more than a minute at a time right now without feeling really dizzy and faint, and having really bad pains in my back.
Anyway, it’s International M.E. Awareness Day today, which is part of M.E. Awareness week. Last night I recorded a video about it. How I am in the video is my normal “bad day”, if that makes any sense. It’s not the worst I’ve been, but I can be better.
Here is a blatantly stolen questionnaire (I got it from Pottering around with ME – Life According to Siz, but I have seen it on Facebook done by a few people as well.
Invisible Illness Questionnaire
1. The illness I live with is: ME/CFS – Myalgic Encephalopathy/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
2. I was diagnosed with it in: October 2010
3. But I have had symptoms since: September 2009 (or August 2009, if you include the Swine Flu I had first)
4. The biggest adjustment: Slowly going from someone who was fiercely independent, to having to accept help from Johan, and then from strangers.
5. Most people assume: That if I can do something once, I’ll be able to do it again or on another day. The illness is so variable that it’s hard for me to make plans, and I know that it can upset people when I say I can’t do something. Luckily, up to now most people have accepted I’m ill, which I know is difficult for other people with M.E.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: Actually waking up, and then staying awake for any length of time. I’m also often in a lot of pain first thing in the morning so I can’t judge if I’ll be able to get up that day. Having to get up when my carers arrive (if I can) is also difficult.
7. My Symptoms: Constant flu-like exhaustion, severe pain in my muscles and joints that are only partially helped by strong painkillers, constant headache and sore throat, muscle spasms- mostly in my hands and legs but also elsewhere, temporary paralysis in my legs and sometimes my arms (for a few hours), brain fog (short term memory problems, concentration issues, muddling words), muscle weakness that is so bad that I can’t walk or hold a pen, intolerance to light, noise and touch.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My computer, a laptop and HTC Desire. It means I can still do stuff when stuck in bed or my flat, and I can still attempt to study for my AS Level. Although not a gadget, my wheelchair is also brilliant as it means I can go out on good days.
9. The hardest part about nights are: Waking up multiple times from severe pain, and being too weak to be able to take any painkillers. Also needing the toilet, as I can’t get there.
10. Tablets a day:High dose (20,000 units) vitamin D for severe vitamin D deficiency three times a week, 50mg quetiapine and 50mg tramadol at night for my previous mental illness (which also help me sleep), 30-60mg nefopam up to three times a day for pain, 400mg ibuprofen up to three times a day for pain, 30mg lansoprazole every morning to protect my stomach from the ibuprofen.
11. Regarding alternative treatments: None so far. There are some I wouldn’t try, but I wouldn’t rule most out if I could access them and I thought they would help.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Hard one 😛 I had an invisible disabilty anyway (autism/dyspraxia), so M.E. is actually slightly more visible, as I use a wheelchair. I’d go visible if I have to choose, as it is more obvious.
13. Regarding working and career: Not happening right now 😛 I attend college when I’m able to, doing an AS Level in Computing, which only works because I get a lot of support and understanding at college. I’m wanting to go to university to do Computing and Networking, and then become a network administrator, but it may be that I have to delay it. I also have a backup job option of being a computer programmer if I’m not well enough to do network administration, because I can do that from bed 😛
14. People would be surprised to know: Despite all the moaning and grumbling I do online, in real life I’m normally quite positive and happy 🙂 I also feel that being physically ill is a lot easier to deal with than being mentally ill (at least for me). The moaning and grumbling online is because I’m still not used to being this ill, and change is bad 😛
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: That I need so much help with things that when Johan had to go into hospital, I had to go into a care home. Also, not being able to be intimate with Johan, as any touch is too painful.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Recover from depression 😛 It’s probably not due to being ill (though the enforced rest helped), but I would have thought that the illness would help keep me depressed.
17. The commercials about my illness: Don’t exist. Which is wrong.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Reading long books in one sitting. Going out whenever I fancied it, rather than only when I’m well enough. Being able to meet up with friends. Being able to manage a full week at college. Being able to stay awake for more than a few hours at a time.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: Being independent.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Napping during the day 😛 Seriously, I’ve not really taken up any new hobbies, but I appreciate the one I have continued with (playing World of Warcraft) a lot more.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again: I’d probably just go to college, without my wheelchair, and spend time with my friends there and go to all my lessons 🙂 Also spend time with Johan afterwards 😛
22. My illness has taught me: That good friends will stick with you no matter what, and there are plenty of people who are willing to help, even in small ways such as opening doors and things. There are also people who don’t like moving from the wheelchair bay on the bus, which can be frustrating.
23. Want to know a secret: To manage college, I’ve basically given up everything else. I don’t even play World of Warcraft that often any more. Also, my main rule for whether I’m well enough to go into college is can I keep my eyes open and sit up? If so, I go in. This is probably not doing my health much good, but so long as I can get through my exam it’ll be worth it.
24. But I love it when people: Offer to help, with specific things. Open questions are very difficult for me to deal with, so things like “do you need anything?” or “anything I can do?” makes me panic. Also, when friends understand if I don’t reply to messages, or don’t make contact that often.
25. My favourite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: It’ll be okay in the end.
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: To listen to their bodies, accept help if it’s offered, and rest. Also, there are no guarantees with this illness, so don’t worry too much if you get worse- there’s a good chance you’ll get better as well. It’s also very individual- what happens to someone else may not happen to you- which includes treatments and things.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: Just how variable it can be, even through the day. Also that even little things can cause a big relapse, and that you just have to go with it.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Visited me in the care home 🙂 It made me feel much better. Also friends who are understanding and try and make things easier for me.
29. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Happy that you’ve maybe learnt a little bit about this illness 🙂 Also amazed you’ve managed to read this far 😛
30. Something I want people to take away from this: M.E. is a real, physical illness. It can vary a lot- one day someone with it may seem perfectly fine, but underneath they may be struggling, and if they do too much they could end up unable to get out of bed. It’s also variable, so some people my have it mildly, whereas others may be so severely ill they have to stay in a darkened room, be tubefed, and cannot tolerate any noise, light or touch.
Chlay’s single, Silently (and other stuff): http://chlay.blogspot.com/
(Also available on iTunes)
AYME (where I’ve met many wonderful people): http://ayme.org.uk
Action for M.E.: http://www.actionforme.org.uk/
ME Association: http://www.meassociation.org.uk/