At the moment, I am a generally positive person. This may not come across much in my blog posts, mostly because I’m using them to record how my M.E. is treating me, and at the moment it’s making me rather ill. I have been talking to friends, and one said she felt guilty as she’s improving while I’ve been getting worse. The last thing I want is to make people feel guilty about getting better, just because I’m not. So here’s a list of the positive things in my life at the moment.
- I’ve not been depressed since early 2010. This is the big one- although I do get periods of low mood, and other negative emotions such as anger and things, they are always within the bounds of normal (whatever normal is) and I can normally cheer myself up. Also, if I’m having a particularly bad day, painkillers normally fix it as it’s normally caused by pain.
- Despite being very ill, I’m not completely bedbound. Most days I can get out of bed, even if it’s just to use the commode or spend 10 minutes on my computer at the other side of the room. It’s only on very bad days when I can’t manage getting out of bed at all, and faint if I try and use the commode.
- It’s rare for me to be completely bored. My main past time is just reading Twitter (I respond when I can, but I’m not always well enough for that). It takes very little energy and concentration, as it doesn’t matter too much if I miss or forget a tweet. If I can’t do that, then I’ll look at the penguin pictures on the wall, and when I’m at my worst and wearing eye mask and ear defenders, my imagination can normally keep me entertained.
- I can take pleasure in other people’s achievements. I may not be doing much myself, but I am genuinely happy to hear about other people doing well, whether they have M.E. and improve a bit, or passing exams, or just doing something cool. Hearing about that sort of thing makes my day a lot brighter.
- I have a lot of friends, who accept me for who I am. Okay, so most of them are online, and I’m terrible at keeping in touch with them, but when I am well enough to do so, they help make me feel good about myself.
- I have a really good medical team. My GP is excellent- understands M.E., treats me well, and is willing to do whatever he can to help me. My consultant is also good, and wanted to make sure that there was nothing treatable causing my symptoms. The CFS clinic are doing graded activity therapy, not CBT and graded exercise therapy which would probably make me worse. They also take into account my autism when working with me (so I may not get enough proper rest, as I don’t find it restful, but they understand that I do find my Twitter reading as low enough activity to count as rest).
- I have an amazing, supportive husband, who cares for me very well. He may be going through a bad time at the moment, but I’m still getting fed, have enough to drink, and get to the toilet when I’m well enough. He also empties the commode and my sick bucket when it needs it.
- I have the most beautiful daughter in the universe. Enough said.
- I have painkillers that actually help. I’m lucky that I don’t suffer from nerve pain (which is difficult to treat) and only have muscle and joint pain, as well as some headaches and a sore throat. The worst of my pain responds to tramadol, which while it doesn’t get rid of it completely, does make it bearable so I can concentrate on other things.
- I don’t have insomnia. I may have sleep reversal at the moment, but when I am sleepy, it doesn’t take that long for me to drop off. I was surprised at how quickly I got back to sleeping naturally after coming off quetiapine, but I’m very grateful for it.
- I’m not having any financial problems. I get all the benefits I’m entitled to, and one of the advantages of being nearly completely housebound is I don’t have that much to spend it on :p I buy the disability equipment I need when I need it, and also have enough left over for the odd book, or for some small treats such as bath things or chocolate. When I am well enough, I have enough money to go out, and can save a little bit so hopefully we’ll be able to go on holiday soon.
There are probably other important things that I’ve forgotten, but overall I am enjoying life, even if it’s not exactly what I want it to be.