Month: April 2020

Danni

Small Change

Danni, Gender Stuff, Real Life

Most things are fine here. We’re getting used to the current situation, I’m managing to do things I like most days so long as I don’t move too much, and we’re managing to get food deliveries even if it’s not exactly what we ordered. So that’s good.

https://twitter.com/Izzy_ThePenguin/status/1250586909736349697

There has been a little change though. My lovely spouse has come out on Twitter as a trans woman. Her new name is Izzy. I’ve known since last year, but due to how horribly transphobic the UK is at the moment, she’s been terrified of coming out in public. I’m really proud of her getting the courage to do so, and so far the response has been really positive. Sammie now calls her Mum2 (I’m Mum1) which makes Izzy smile every time she hears it. It also means the only clothes of mine that are safe are my shoes, as I’m a size 9 and she’s a size 6. When I bought it, I thought my Trans and Tired top would be safe 😛

There were early signs I noticed. When I originally met her on Second Life, Johan Yugen was a female avatar. She claimed that it was just because there was a better selection of purple clothing, but it wasn’t that hard to resize clothes for a male avatar. She also had a tendency to go for female characters in video games when given the chance. There was also a lot of denial – being too afraid to by hair bobbles when she was growing her hair out (though was fine buying menstrual products for me) and when I jokingly suggested she wear one of my dresses since she was already stealing most of my tops, she had a rather extreme negative reaction. These and other things meant I suspected that she wasn’t a cis man, but since it’s a very personal topic (and seeing her reaction to the suggestion of wearing a dress) I kept that to myself.

We’re lucky to know lots of different trans people, many of which have come out since we first got to know them. As I’m also trans (being genderless) trans issues were a common topic of conversation, and we were talking about them when she told me she wasn’t sure she was a cis man. It didn’t take long after that for her to say that is a woman. The hardest part after that was keeping it a secret until she was ready to come out publicly. Although it was relatively easy for me to continue calling her Johan in public thanks to her Second Life avatar being female, it got harder and harder to continue using he/him pronouns and so a bit ago, with her approval, I swapped to they/them instead, including on this blog. Now she is out, I’ll be sticking with she/her.

She’s still very early on in her transition journey. She went on the waiting list of the local gender clinic a few months ago, but even before this pandemic the average waiting time for a first appointment was years. Now she has a paid job we were going to look into going privately, but that’s now on hold because of the virus. I’m just glad she’s figured it out, and the grin on her face whenever I call her Izzy or refer to her as Sammie’s mum is worth it.

Danni

Things Feel Weird

Autism, Computers, Danni, Gaming, Loom Bands, M.E., Mental Health, Physical Disability, Real Life

I’m doing pretty good for me. Having Johan home all the time means no waiting for urgent care and shorter waits for less urgent care, which means I’m physically doing a bit better. Not being alone in the flat most of the day is great for my anxiety, even though I’m still spending most of my time alone. Unlike most people, I am used to being unable to go out or see friends and family, so a few more months isn’t going to make much of a difference (I last got out of bed on the 29th of December).

Being that little bit better means I can do my favourite things, like play video games and read a bit. I’ve managed to watch Steven Universe The Movie, and the first two episodes of Steven Universe Future. I’ve caught up with YouTube videos I have full notifications turned on for. I’ve had video chats with Sammie, voice chats with Johan and even was in a group chat with other This is True supporters (that last one did mean I slept for most of the next two days, but was fun). I even got my loom bands out and made a strap for when I use utensils and things so they don’t go flying when I spasm (looms hold things together when they get chucked, luckily).

We’ve also had many friends and organisations check we’re okay and offered to help if we needed it. So far it’s fine. Between deliveries and our local shop, we’ve been able to get everything we’ve needed except chicken, and that we can work around. I’m very grateful we’re not forgotten and hope those who do need the help get it.

It feels really weird to be doing well during a global crisis. The reason Johan is home is because people are becoming ill and dying from a virus with no known treatment. People are losing jobs and worse. I saw on Twitter someone being told that instead of getting personal protective equipment for her PAs (impossible to source as a single person right now) she should go in a care home, despite having been exposed to someone with COVID-19 symptoms. Care homes are terrible places for disabled people even in the best of times. This is wrong, just for the need of some face masks.

There are still some struggles. As we’re doing a modified version of shielding for me (because full shielding is impossible if you need personal care and I’m technically not in the extremely vulnerable group, just in the likely to die if there’s not enough medical care available group) the lack of skin contact hand holds (we hold hands while Johan is wearing gloves instead) and hugs is hard. As is knowing I’ll not be seeing Sammie or friends in person for a while, after having plans to do so. Johan is starting to feel cooped up, so we’re trying to figure out the safest way for them to go out (the main risk being our neighbour). It’s also a bit frustrating being well enough to go out for the first time in months but not being able to for reasons outside of my control.

I’m in the middle of setting up some routines based on our current circumstances, as my previous ones were based around my care calls, which we’ve now cancelled (along with the cleaner). I’ve got a list of options for things to do so I spend less time trying to figure them out. I’m working on the best way to prompt Johan to do tasks now their routine has also been messed up, and to replace the prompts from the carers and the cleaner (the better care workers would let us know if things needed doing which helped).

One problem we’ve yet to solve is Johan getting overwhelmed if I ask for two things at once, even if I give an order to do them in. I need to do so as if I don’t, I forget the second thing while the first is being done, and Johan gets frustrated when I realise again 10 minutes or so after they’ve sat back down. I also forget it if I try to type it. I know Johan finds my memory problems one of the hardest parts of my illness to cope with, and this situation makes it really obvious.

I’m frustrated that I can’t be the carer that Johan needs. Johan is frustrated that they struggle with providing some of my care. We’re still doing mostly fine, and not having to travel to work (or volunteering) means Johan has been able to cook more which I appreciate. I just don’t know how I’m meant to feel, and that feels weird.