(An update post is coming soon(tm).)
I used to have an interest in many different areas. Human rights, discrimination, politics, free software, and other stuff- things I used to try and keep up with and trying to help reduce world suck in whatever way I could. Recently, I’ve not been able to do this.
The last time I took a proper interest in something like this was when Troy Davis was executed. I stayed up all night praying and hoping for the best, then praying and being upset when the worst happened. It completely exhausted me, and made me more ill. Since then, I’ve had to be careful not to allow myself to get caught up in injustices in the world, as the emotional energy I would spend on it is too much for my body to handle. I’ve been feeling really guilty about this, as basically I’m too tired to care.
The hardest hit march was last week. I was hoping to go, but I was too ill to do so. I sent one message on Twitter, and did nothing else. Well, I read the Twitter messages about it, but I watched no videos, read no blogs I wouldn’t have anyway, didn’t contact my MP or similar. I wanted to do something for the day a month ago, but I was just too tired too really care about it on the day. And this was for something that could affect me directly in the near future, as I’m currently living on disability benefits.
For other areas, I’ve been doing even less. I’ve even been ignoring certain Twitter messages from friends, as I don’t really want to know what bad stuff is going on. Emotional stuff for me is probably more draining than any other type of activity (mental or physical) though is harder for others to see as I don’t show my emotions that well. My carers and Johan may yell at me for crawling across the living room, as it’s using too much energy and will make me worse, but they can’t see if I get upset that someone’s going to become homeless due to ATOS, or has been killed, yet that will make me worse than the crawling.
I admire those who are able to protest and do stuff, especially those who are also disabled. I wish I could join you, but right now I’m just too tired to care about any cause.
St Therese once wrote, “I can do no large things, only small things with great love.” She was dying of TB at the time. If all you’re capable of doing is wishing that you could do more, that still counts to God. Even the wish is worthwhile, and it does good things in this world.
Reading this post reminded me of something you said when I was still very entrenched in the AN. Basically you told me that it didn’t matter if I couldn’t manage to do all the things I wanted to do, providing I did the best I could with what I had – even if I didn’t have very much. I wrote down your exact words and took the paper with me to DR. In the dining room we had a pinboard of inspirational sayings, and we could choose whichever one we wanted to keep next to our plates at mealtimes. You don’t know how many patients used to choose yours. 🙂 I think that you should remember your own advice.
P.S. Come to think of it, that paper is probably still hanging there now, so you see you’ve been helping people all these years without knowing it. 😛 Even today, some poor person living in the regime of Christine may have been looking at it and thinking, “Whoever this Danni is, she talks sense.”