Dannilion.com "I find penguins at present the only comfort in life. One feels everything in the world so sympathetically ridiculous; one can't be angry when one looks at a penguin." – John Ruskin

The plan was to go to sleep earlyish (around 2am), so I’d be able to wake up before the afternoon. That didn’t exactly happen, as my hand and arm decided that they were going to be too painful to sleep.

I have given up now, taken some painkillers, tried (and failed) to distract myself in World of Warcraft (turns out I use my right hand a lot to play it :-p) and am now writing this.

Despite me being up all night, my M.E. isn’t playing up too much. I don’t have the massive leg/arm jerks that launch me off the bed. Instead I get little ones that last only a few minutes, rather than a few hours. Much more manageable. The pain is normally bearable, and if it’s not, painkillers normally bring it down to that level. I’m normally awake 12-14 hours a day, which is great. I’m normally out of bed a few hours a day. The best thing is, this is without causing relapses. I do have to spend more time in bed if I’ve gone out, or had a cold or a tummy bug, but that’s okay.

I still can’t walk, really. I can sometimes take a couple of steps across the living room, but by the second step I’m starting to fall, so I only do it to get to my bed when I feel I can (I can cross the living room in one or two steps normally). This is because I think it’s important for me to test myself on what I can do, so I don’t get deconditioned from not walking, and so I don’t forget how to.

Standing up happens sometimes. Again, it’s normally me testing myself, often when I’m trying to use the toilet or something. Often I can’t do it at all, and that’s okay as well. I’m trying to listen to my body- push it a little bit, but not so much I relapse. It seems to be working.

The carers is still an issue. Most of them now I’m fine with. My favourite carer is absolutely amazing, and I get her most mornings and the occasional evening. If I could, I’d steal her to be my carer all the time. She can do in 45 minutes what it would take me when well a week to do  There are others that I get on with quite well, like the one who came and did my bath last night. I didn’t find her as easy to get on with as favourite carer to begin with, but I’m now quite comfortable with her helping me and things. To be honest, I wouldn’t mind stealing her if I couldn’t have favourite carer, as she’s lovely and does things, just maybe not as quickly as favourite carer :-p

There are other carers though that make me very anxious, just by them being here. One of them makes me outright panic just by being on the rota. So far, I’ve manage to spot it and cancel whenever she’s on it. There are some that I’m okay with coming to help with just getting changed and housework, but who make me really anxious when they help me with my bath. I don’t know why that is- I’m about as unembarrassed about my body as I can be (I’m quite happy to be naked in front of other people, including males, though I’m aware now that they may not be (and it took me until I was over 16 to learn that…) so I try not to be) though I do get a little self conscious when washing myself, more because I always feel I’m doing it wrong when I’m being watched :-p That’s easily solved though by asking the carer to leave the room for a few minutes while I do so (I’m too big to drown in the bath once I’m in safely). I dunno- maybe I’m picking up on anxiety on their part?

As my most recent Project 365 showed, I have received my Blue Badge! This means whoever is driving me places (such as Colin or staff at college) will be able to park in disabled bays without bother, and won’t have to pay parking costs a lot of the time. I’ve also got my application in for a disabled bus pass, which will give me a lot of freedom when I’m well enough for day trips, as I’ll be able to use it to go into Northumberland without paying the earth. Prudhoe watch out :-p

We’re going to Leeds next month as it’s my father-in-law’s 70th birthday. He’s nearly as old as my nana :-p I still need to book train assistance, but the hotel is booked for two nights, and I’ve paid for the train tickets. Staying two nights should mean less pressure on rest and things, and I may even get to see something while I’m there (other than Johan’s family, of course).

I’m hoping some of my other parcels arrive today. I’m expecting some shoes, some egg cups, and some micro USB cables. I’m also waiting for a Wreck This Journal and a purple Blue Badge holder, but they may take a bit longer to arrive. I also need to do an Asda order, or at least a shopping list so that Johan can go and get some items. I really fancy watermelon.

World of Warcraft has been a bit iffy. I’m still enjoying it, but I’ve had a couple of bad groups in there that don’t help my very low confidence in my healing abilities. I know theoretically that I’m actually not that bad at healing, but it doesn’t stop me being knocked everytime I get yelled at. Today it was because I didn’t feel comfortable trying to use my crowd control (mind control and shackle undead) as everytime I try to use it, I die. I even did today. We did have a DPS shaman and druid in the group, so it wasn’t like we didn’t have any, but they kept insisting. I ended up dropping group because it was making me that anxious. I felt really guilty afterwards, especially since I’d queued with a guildie (the druid) but they said they understood why I’d dropped group. The guildie covered for me by saying I had a raid :-p I have killed some raid bosses though, so I’m happier with that.

Since I finished college, I’ve noticed I’ve had more concentration for things like television shows and reading children’s books. It’s still not great and I’m not taking much in, but at least I can do it now without my mind wandering every few seconds (it’s every few minutes instead). I’m going to watch the Harry Potter films in time for the last one coming out. If I watch one or two a day, I’ve got plenty of time. I can even watch them from bed, so use less physical energy

I’m still majorly struggling to write emails, comments and letters. I’m also overwhelmed by Twitter and Facebook, though I still look at them. I’m also on Google+, which is cool  I don’t know if it’ll replace Facebook, as there aren’t that many people using it yet, but it’s fun to mess with at the moment.

Oh, I also am very very slowly starting to use the phone again  This is a big thing, as my phobia got so bad I wasn’t even able to talk to people I know very well on it without a panic attack. I’m starting with scripted calls, but will hopefully expand that as I get more used to it. I’ll probably never be fully comfortable with it, but being able to use it if I need to would be awesome.

I’ve also been very naughty and taken myself off my antidepressant. I don’t think it was ever doing anything for me, other than making me sleep. I’ve not noticed a decrease in mood since coming off it, though both Johan and I are monitoring it closely. I’m also slightly more alert when I get up, which is a bonus  I’m not coming off the antipsychotic yet, as that was doing a lot for me and I want to see how things go. At some point I should probably tell my doctor I’m not taking the antidepressant…

Project 365 is going well, though I’m starting to run out of things to take photos of in my living room. I don’t get much in the way of interesting post unless I buy something (I do get the odd bill though) so I’m not sure what I’ll be photographing soon. It’s been fun though, and it’s been a way to blog daily without it feeling like a big effort.

Johan’s not doing so great though   His anxiety is really bad, as is mine (it was before coming of the antidepressant- it’s been no worse since then) and they seem to be feeding each others, which is bad. He’s also struggling to find the motivation to do things. His emergency referral since being in hospital still hasn’t been completed though, which is getting ridiculous. I’m worried he’ll end up that ill again (especially since the stress of the carers isn’t helping) though he’s adamant that he’s not going back into hospital. I think it may be time for me to start chasing things.

The pain has now eased enough that I may be able to sleep, so I think I’m going to leave it there.