Category: Gaming

Danni

An Early Morning Blog Post

Danni, Gaming, M.E., Mental Health, Physical Disability, Real Life, World of Warcraft

The plan was to go to sleep earlyish (around 2am), so I’d be able to wake up before the afternoon. That didn’t exactly happen, as my hand and arm decided that they were going to be too painful to sleep.

I have given up now, taken some painkillers, tried (and failed) to distract myself in World of Warcraft (turns out I use my right hand a lot to play it :-p) and am now writing this.

Despite me being up all night, my M.E. isn’t playing up too much. I don’t have the massive leg/arm jerks that launch me off the bed. Instead I get little ones that last only a few minutes, rather than a few hours. Much more manageable. The pain is normally bearable, and if it’s not, painkillers normally bring it down to that level. I’m normally awake 12-14 hours a day, which is great. I’m normally out of bed a few hours a day. The best thing is, this is without causing relapses. I do have to spend more time in bed if I’ve gone out, or had a cold or a tummy bug, but that’s okay.

I still can’t walk, really. I can sometimes take a couple of steps across the living room, but by the second step I’m starting to fall, so I only do it to get to my bed when I feel I can (I can cross the living room in one or two steps normally). This is because I think it’s important for me to test myself on what I can do, so I don’t get deconditioned from not walking, and so I don’t forget how to.

Standing up happens sometimes. Again, it’s normally me testing myself, often when I’m trying to use the toilet or something. Often I can’t do it at all, and that’s okay as well. I’m trying to listen to my body- push it a little bit, but not so much I relapse. It seems to be working.

The carers is still an issue. Most of them now I’m fine with. My favourite carer is absolutely amazing, and I get her most mornings and the occasional evening. If I could, I’d steal her to be my carer all the time. She can do in 45 minutes what it would take me when well a week to do 🙂 There are others that I get on with quite well, like the one who came and did my bath last night. I didn’t find her as easy to get on with as favourite carer to begin with, but I’m now quite comfortable with her helping me and things. To be honest, I wouldn’t mind stealing her if I couldn’t have favourite carer, as she’s lovely and does things, just maybe not as quickly as favourite carer :-p

There are other carers though that make me very anxious, just by them being here. One of them makes me outright panic just by being on the rota. So far, I’ve manage to spot it and cancel whenever she’s on it. There are some that I’m okay with coming to help with just getting changed and housework, but who make me really anxious when they help me with my bath. I don’t know why that is- I’m about as unembarrassed about my body as I can be (I’m quite happy to be naked in front of other people, including males, though I’m aware now that they may not be (and it took me until I was over 16 to learn that…) so I try not to be) though I do get a little self conscious when washing myself, more because I always feel I’m doing it wrong when I’m being watched :-p That’s easily solved though by asking the carer to leave the room for a few minutes while I do so (I’m too big to drown in the bath once I’m in safely). I dunno- maybe I’m picking up on anxiety on their part?

As my most recent Project 365 showed, I have received my Blue Badge! This means whoever is driving me places (such as Colin or staff at college) will be able to park in disabled bays without bother, and won’t have to pay parking costs a lot of the time. I’ve also got my application in for a disabled bus pass, which will give me a lot of freedom when I’m well enough for day trips, as I’ll be able to use it to go into Northumberland without paying the earth. Prudhoe watch out :-p

We’re going to Leeds next month as it’s my father-in-law’s 70th birthday. He’s nearly as old as my nana :-p I still need to book train assistance, but the hotel is booked for two nights, and I’ve paid for the train tickets. Staying two nights should mean less pressure on rest and things, and I may even get to see something while I’m there (other than Johan’s family, of course).

I’m hoping some of my other parcels arrive today. I’m expecting some shoes, some egg cups, and some micro USB cables. I’m also waiting for a Wreck This Journal and a purple Blue Badge holder, but they may take a bit longer to arrive. I also need to do an Asda order, or at least a shopping list so that Johan can go and get some items. I really fancy watermelon.

World of Warcraft has been a bit iffy. I’m still enjoying it, but I’ve had a couple of bad groups in there that don’t help my very low confidence in my healing abilities. I know theoretically that I’m actually not that bad at healing, but it doesn’t stop me being knocked everytime I get yelled at. Today it was because I didn’t feel comfortable trying to use my crowd control (mind control and shackle undead) as everytime I try to use it, I die. I even did today. We did have a DPS shaman and druid in the group, so it wasn’t like we didn’t have any, but they kept insisting. I ended up dropping group because it was making me that anxious. I felt really guilty afterwards, especially since I’d queued with a guildie (the druid) but they said they understood why I’d dropped group. The guildie covered for me by saying I had a raid :-p I have killed some raid bosses though, so I’m happier with that.

Since I finished college, I’ve noticed I’ve had more concentration for things like television shows and reading children’s books. It’s still not great and I’m not taking much in, but at least I can do it now without my mind wandering every few seconds (it’s every few minutes instead). I’m going to watch the Harry Potter films in time for the last one coming out. If I watch one or two a day, I’ve got plenty of time. I can even watch them from bed, so use less physical energy 🙂

I’m still majorly struggling to write emails, comments and letters. I’m also overwhelmed by Twitter and Facebook, though I still look at them. I’m also on Google+, which is cool 🙂 I don’t know if it’ll replace Facebook, as there aren’t that many people using it yet, but it’s fun to mess with at the moment.

Oh, I also am very very slowly starting to use the phone again 😀 This is a big thing, as my phobia got so bad I wasn’t even able to talk to people I know very well on it without a panic attack. I’m starting with scripted calls, but will hopefully expand that as I get more used to it. I’ll probably never be fully comfortable with it, but being able to use it if I need to would be awesome.

I’ve also been very naughty and taken myself off my antidepressant. I don’t think it was ever doing anything for me, other than making me sleep. I’ve not noticed a decrease in mood since coming off it, though both Johan and I are monitoring it closely. I’m also slightly more alert when I get up, which is a bonus 🙂 I’m not coming off the antipsychotic yet, as that was doing a lot for me and I want to see how things go. At some point I should probably tell my doctor I’m not taking the antidepressant…

Project 365 is going well, though I’m starting to run out of things to take photos of in my living room. I don’t get much in the way of interesting post unless I buy something (I do get the odd bill though) so I’m not sure what I’ll be photographing soon. It’s been fun though, and it’s been a way to blog daily without it feeling like a big effort.

Johan’s not doing so great though 🙁  His anxiety is really bad, as is mine (it was before coming of the antidepressant- it’s been no worse since then) and they seem to be feeding each others, which is bad. He’s also struggling to find the motivation to do things. His emergency referral since being in hospital still hasn’t been completed though, which is getting ridiculous. I’m worried he’ll end up that ill again (especially since the stress of the carers isn’t helping) though he’s adamant that he’s not going back into hospital. I think it may be time for me to start chasing things.

The pain has now eased enough that I may be able to sleep, so I think I’m going to leave it there.

Danni

“Nightsong” Darnassian Lyrics

Danni, Gaming, World of Warcraft

This is one of my favourite songs from the Cataclysm soundtrack. At the moment though, the lyrics are bugging me.

I know they’re Darnassian (it’s a Night Elf song, so that’s a given :P). I can make out some of the lyrics, but not all of them. This is what I have so far.

Aldrassil – (a tree on Teldrassil)
Zin-Azshari – Glory of Aszhara
Quel’dorei – Children of noble birth/High Elves
Nordrassil – Crown of the Heavens (original world tree)
Elune-Adore – Elune be with you.
Elune-Adore

After this, the music is too loud for me to work out the rest of them (I have problems isolating words from background noise). Any help? 🙂 Current Darnassian translations are available at Wowpedia.

Danni

New Year Resolutions

Danni, Gaming, Mental Health, Physical Disability, World of Warcraft

Today is New Year’s Eve, so I thought it was a good idea to make some resolutions for the new year.

  1. Be kind to myself.
    This is a hard one, but I’m getting much better at it than I was. It includes trying to limit stuff that causes me pain, both physically and mentally. The hardest part is ignoring some of the criticism from people I respect, as with the way my brain works it turns into a big hideous monster and spawns self loathing.
  2. Be more aware of my limitations, and stop overdoing it so much.
    Having M.E. means I don’t get the luxury of being able to do everything I want (or need, in some cases). Since having that bad cold in November, my functioning level has decreased quite a bit, so I’m struggling with things that I previously didn’t have problems with, such as chatting online and playing WoW (/cry). It took a little bit for it to sink in though that I couldn’t do as much as I could in October. It will mean I have to assess whether something is worth the energy expenditure before I do things, and I’ll have to decline more social invites and such, but my health is more important.
  3. If something is medically wrong, seek help sooner, rather than 6 months down the line.
    Yeah. This doesn’t mean I go see the doctor whenever I have a cold (if I have a bad cold, then getting to the doctors probably isn’t possible anyway) but if anything unusual happens, like (using examples from the past here) new severe pain that I don’t know the cause of, parts of my body suddenly become paralysed, or I take far longer than normal to recover from something, then I should go see someone. I’ve caused myself enough suffering because I have been reluctant to see the doctor, and it’s about time I stopped.

I think that’ll do. If I think of more, and they’re actually achievable, I may add to them later.

Earlier I was looking through my old blog for this time last year (to see if I’d posted any resolutions- I couldn’t find any). It’s strange reading back those blog posts- they feel like they’re written by someone completely different. Although I know that I wrote them, I’m slightly scared that I was that ill, and in that much mental pain. Even though physically I’m worse than I was then (though I did already have M.E., and it was having an impact) mentally I’m much, much better. I still struggle with mental health problems, especially anxiety, panic attacks and phobias, but I wouldn’t class them as that severe now. The big thing is that I no longer experience suicidal thoughts- the closest I get is when I’m in extreme pain and think I’d rather be dead than have to deal with the pain, but it’s different, because I don’t actually want to be dead- I’m just not coping with the pain at that moment. Those thoughts only happen when I’m 10 on the Danni pain scale anyway.

The Danni pain scale- it’s a pain scale similar to the one used in hospitals, translated into Danni-ish so I can understand it.

0 is no pain at all (last experienced sometime in the 90s, I think).
1 is where I was before M.E. when I was on strong painkillers, like tramadol or morphine after a gallstone attack had finished but the painkillers were in my system.
2 is where I was when I took normal painkillers for the before M.E. aches and pains I had.
3 is a before M.E. good day.
4 a before M.E. normal day, with a bit of hip pain, maybe a mild headache caused by sensory stuff like lights or noise.
5 is moderate hip pain, or a bad headache.
6 is a before M.E. bad hip day, where walking would be really painful and difficult, and sometimes not possible for that long. 6 is also the level of pain I’m in now when I’m just lying in bed, without moving, on a good day. It’s also the level where paracetamol and ibuprofen start being a lot less effective (if they help at all).
7 is mild gallstone attack land, migraine land or sitting up on a good day with M.E. I’m here probably about 1/4 of the time these days.
8 is a moderate gallstone attack, where I’d had no choice but to lie down, and would also take tramadol once I’d been prescribed it. It’s also where I am normally (about half the time) these days, on a good day at college or similar.
9 is where I lose the ability to concentrate at all, as the pain is that bad. When I had a gallstone attack and tramadol wasn’t working for it, it was normally this level, and I’d need morphine to deal with it. This is a normal bad day now, and all I want to do is lie down. I also tend to get very hot and sweaty at this point.
10 is where the pain is so bad I just want to die. I can’t move at all, and I can’t sit up. It’s also the level I was at when I passed out with gallstone pain once. Luckily, I’ve only been here a couple of times since getting M.E., but I don’t want to be here again.

Right now I’m around an 8. My muscles and joints are very sore and achy, moving makes me wince slightly and I have a headache. That’s about normal.

I find it very hard to describe pain, and I’m also aware I don’t display pain very well. The main outward signs that I’m not coping with pain is that I’m very irritable and snappy, and/or I become very quiet and withdrawn. To make it harder, I try to hide the fact I’m not coping, and try to hide the irritability. There are lots of factors that affect my ability to cope with pain though, so if I’m otherwise calm and not doing anything, my tiredness isn’t too bad, and I have the opportunity to lie down if I need, I can cope up to an 9, but it’s rare that’s the case. 10 is so unbearable, the worst it can get, so I can’t cope with that at all. I don’t have much choice though, as I don’t have access to painkillers (other than alcohol) so just have to get through it. Trying to cope with the pain is exhausting, and makes my tiredness a lot worse.

In other news, Johan’s still ill. He’s not in pain any more, but he’s still exhausted and he says everything still tastes weird. He has been able to get upstairs to sleep though, so his mobility is still better than mine, even though he’s recovering from the flu (/grumble).

I’ve spent most of the last few days asleep, dozing or not moving much at all, even for me. Christmas took it out of me, and I’ve not had the concentration to do that much. I’ve played a bit of World of Warcraft, but not done as much as I’d hoped to have done by now. I did get Danní to level 85 though, so that’s a start.

Since I’ve managed to doze off in my computer chair writing this, I guess I’ll post it now and go and get some sleep, as I’ve turned completely nocturnal.

Danni

A Worgen Named Prudence

College, Danni, Gaming, Interface, Physical Disability, Real Life, World of Warcraft

So my near-daily blog posts haven’t happened. I’ve been too tired. I was off college for a week because of the snow, then struggled in for the next week, having to go backwards most of the time. The snow then cleared up, and I finished college for the term with the Interface Christmas party, which was way too noisy, but I enjoyed it by hiding and talking to friends.

World of Warcraft: Cataclysm has been released, and my copy arrived very late from Amazon- 6 days late. Danní is currently level 83, and I have a Worgen named Prudence. She was named by asking a well-read friend of mine to give me lists of female names that would have been in use in Victorian Britain, and I kept trying them until I found one that wasn’t taken. Prudence was it 😛 The Worgen starting area is epic.

I also have a Goblin called Dannileia. The Goblin starting area is extremely funny. I loved it 🙂 I want the Hot Rod on Danní now, even though she’s Alliance and can’t get it.

I’ve not been playing as much World of Warcraft as I’d originally wanted because my M.E. is pretty bad, and I’ve been going out way more than I should have been. I’ve also had a rough couple of weeks due to being premenstrual for the first time in almost 2 years (yay coil!). As well as the Christmas party, I went to the MetroCentre to do Christmas shopping and the next day to a meal in Newcastle for my sister Meggy’s birthday. Both involved noise, crowds and socialisation (the second more than the first). It was hard. Luckily I’m pretty much finished with my Christmas shopping now, and just have to wrap everything.

Plan for tomorrow/later today: wrap presents, get someone to deliver them, tidy living room, sleep.

Danni

The End of NaBloPoMo

Autism, College, Computing, Danni, Gaming, Interface, Mental Health, Physical Disability, Prisoner, Real Life, World of Warcraft

This is my 30th daily blog post for November, which means I’ve successfully completed NaBloPoMo. Some blog posts were pretty short, just a YouTube video and a few words, and others have been a bit longer. This month started with Autistics Speaking Day, and finished with me being housebound because of the snow. In between were lots of posts about college (especially missing it quite a lot because of illness and snow). I cut down my hours at college near the beginning of the month, sorted out a problem with support on a Wednesday, and overdid it a lot, meaning I was firmly in a boom and bust cycle of ME. I played a lot of World of Warcraft, was discharged from the mental health service, got sucked into TV Tropes for over a week, bought a new hoody (that has been worn more days than not), and spent most of the month in severe, chronic pain that my painkillers don’t come close to touching.

I also met a couple of the stars from one of my favourite shows from my childhood, caught (and mostly got over) a cold, took part in a big launch event for an online film, played Quasar Laser in my wheelchair, and rewatched season 1 of Dollhouse. My mood dipped a bit for a few days while I struggled to cope with a worsening in pain, but has mostly improved now, possibly with the enforced rest the snow has given me.

Overall, a rather mixed month. Today again I was stuck indoors due to the snow, but tomorrow is the Christmas meal and cinema trip with my tutor group, which I will be going to even if I need to get a taxi to go there. I will be attempting to go to college in the morning, but will need to see based on what the weather is, what the buses are doing and what the roads and pavements are like near here. We do have a plan that involves pulling my wheelchair backwards in the snow, as the bigger wheels should mean it works better.

I shall try to keep blogging daily, or near daily, but I won’t put myself under the pressure I did this month. At least there won’t be any more panicked blog posts just before midnight because I’d forgotten earlier in the day 🙂