2011 In Review

I did this last year, and enjoyed it so will repeat it for this year.

1. What did you do in 2011 that youโ€™d never done before?
Had an entire year as an adult without depression ๐Ÿ™‚ Also, got an A in an AS Level exam ๐Ÿ˜›

2. Did you keep your New Yearโ€™s Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I mostly kept to them, and have made more (see previous post).

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I know of.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
I stayed in England this year.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
My health would be nice…

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
26th December. I made a phone call to Sammie for her birthday and didn’t panic!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Probably improving my phone phobia, though passing my exams was cool too ๐Ÿ˜›

9. What was your biggest failure?
My body. It decided that it wasn’t already annoying me enough and made things a lot harder.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My M.E. got a lot worse, resulting in me being completely bedbound at times, and mostly bedbound for about half the year. Also lost the ability to walk completely, so when I could get out of bed I had to use the wheelchair. I also had some teeth taken out under a general anaesthetic, with one of them having been bothering me since 2010.

11. What was the best thing someone bought you?
Sammie bought me a World’s Greatest Mummy cup. She also made me a penguin. (I do appreciate the penguins other people have given me this year, but Sammie wins. Sorry.)

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Johanโ€™s, for looking after me, and my friends on Twitter and AYME for being so nice, kind and understanding (that includes all of you with depression).

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and/or depressed?
Most of the Tory and Lib Dem government.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills and disability equipment.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
PENGUINS!!!!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

16. What songs will always remind of 2011?
Forever Yours by Alex Day.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Happier.
b) fatter or skinnier?
Skinnier. I keep losing weight. I’m happy with it, and want it to stay the same now, but I don’t seem to have much control over it.
c) richer or poorer?
Richer

18. What do you wish youโ€™d done more of?
Probably blogging.

19. What do you wish youโ€™d done less of?
Pushing myself too hard.

20. How do you plan to spend Christmas?
I spent Christmas in bed, being waited on by Johan and watched Doctor Who. Happiness.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
Nope, but I made some new friends who I love ๐Ÿ™‚

22. How many one night stands?
Since I haven’t been able to get out without Johan all year, I’d wouldn’t have been able to even if I wanted to (which I don’t, as I have Johan).

23. What was your favourite TV programme?
Doctor Who!

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didnโ€™t hate this time last year?
Still don’t hate anyone. Dislike the government.

25. What was the best book you read?
Either Sapphire Battersby or the Hunger Games series.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Alex Day and Chameleon Circuit.

27. What did you want and get?
Penguins! An A in my AS Computing. I also got the new television I wanted last year ๐Ÿ˜›

28. What did you want and not get?
My health to improve. Instead it got worse (I am not happy with you, body).

29. What was your favourite film of this year?
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2.

30. What did you do on your birthday?
Received a big DLA back payment, so bought a television ๐Ÿ˜› I also ate Doctor Who cake. The day before I’d gone to Flamingo Land with Johan and college so got to go on the rides and see the penguins, which was awesome.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
My health being better, though to be fair the year was very satisfying anyway ๐Ÿ™‚

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Purple and pyjamas.

33. What kept you sane?
Chocolate, penguins and Twitter ๐Ÿ™‚

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Summer Glau (still).

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
The government making things even harder for poor, ill and disabled people. Stupid idiots.

36. Who do you miss?
Sammie, as I’ve not been well enough to see her this year, though I am in contact with her.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
All my new friends on Twitter and at AYME ๐Ÿ˜€

38. What was the best thing you ate?
I’m not sure. At times just being able to eat was amazing ๐Ÿ˜›

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011?
It’s a really good idea to listen to your body if you’re ill, otherwise it may rebel against you.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I can’t think of a song lyric ๐Ÿ™ Giving up after about half an hour of trying to think of one.

Happy New Year!

Danni sitting in bed, drinking from a wine glass with a straw.
Danni sitting in bed, drinking from a wine glass with a straw.

So it is now 2012. A year where lots will probably happen, but I only know a little of it. London is hosting the Olympics, we’ll probably move house. Johan will find out if he’s on the autistic spectrum or not.

Last year I made some resolutions. Here they are:

  1. Be kind to myself.
  2. Be more aware of my limitations, and stop overdoing it so much.
  3. If something is medically wrong, seek help sooner, rather than 6 months down the line.

I think I did well keeping these over the year. I was much kinder to myself, with the result that I’m much happier than I was a year ago. My anxiety levels have dropped a lot, and this has meant I’ve been able to work on some of those pesky phobias. The second one took a while to get used to, and I still slipped up (especially trying to go back to college for a second year) but overall I’m much better at being aware of my limitations and sticking to them. As for the last one, I did seek help when I needed to a few times. Luckily I’ve had no major new symptoms in the last year, they’ve just been a lot more severe. When I did get something new (chest pain) I sought help immediately and it was sorted quickly. The only problem with it is now I can’t see doctors by leaving the flat without breaking number 2 ๐Ÿ˜›

For this year, I’m making very simple resolutions.

  1. Try and get better.
    By this I mean do whatever is in my power to improve, such as resting enough and listening to my body. The improvements I’ve seen in the last few days mean I’ve got a head start on this one ๐Ÿ™‚
  2. If I can’t get better, try not to get worse.
    Since I can’t control M.E (as much as I want to), I’m not going to be upset if I don’t improve. I will however try and prevent relapses and things.
  3. If I can’t do either, try and stay happy.
    I may not be able to prevent myself getting worse, but I do have some control over my emotions so I’ll try and remain happy anyway ๐Ÿ™‚

To keep this year’s resolutions, I’ll have to keep last years. I’m happy with that ๐Ÿ™‚

Happiness Is…

Happiness is having a brilliant Christmas.

Happiness is being able to sit up, both in bed and in a chair for a little bit.

Happiness is being able to eat proper food (without choking!).

Happiness is being surrounded by penguins.

Happiness is spending time with a loved one, with no distractons.

Happiness is knowing you have friends who like and love you for who you are.

Happiness is talking to your daughter on her birthday, and hearing the excitement in her voice about Christmas and birthday celebrations.

Happiness is getting all your Christmas wishes coming true.

Happiness is hearing your friends are happy.

Happiness is knowing that your safe and secure.

Happiness is getting lots of lovely, well thought out cards and presents :p

Happiness is being grateful that M.E. didn’t ruin everything.

Thank you.

A Long Day

Today has been an interesting day. I woke up about 6.30am, being properly awake by about 7.3oam. This is becoming normal for me, though I do miss being a night owl a bit. Will be good for Friday morning, though. I had to wake Johan up as he’d put his doctors appointment in the calendar for 8.50am and he takes ages to wake up because of his mirtazapine.

Got Johan up (yay cuddles) and he went to the doctors surgery, where he discovered his appointment was for 9.50am, not 8.50am. This caused him to panic, though I helped him calm down with more cuddles. Sent him out again at 9.40am, then got increasingly anxious and panicky while he was gone, worrying about him :p (I’d recently been going to his appointments with him as he found it easier with me there, but I’m too ill to do that now). He was fine, though had a bit of an anxiety attack. We had more cuddles, and things were okay.

The carer’s association people came in the afternoon, and that went okay. Johan got an email from my social worker in the middle of it which made me angry (the agency have been lying to him). Things are hopefully going to improve as the carer’s association people are going to help Johan with stuff and have told him about a digital photography group he can go to, which would be good for him.

This evening we had Chinese, as I was craving won tons (I had won ton soup and crispy won tons :p). I also managed to go into World of Warcraft for the first time in a few days, which was cool. Our friend Bluesapphire ย has been made guild master, which is awesome as she was basically running the guild anyway ๐Ÿ™‚ Sammie’s Nintendo 3DS also arrived, and I can confirm it is very pink ๐Ÿ™‚

Oh, and today I actually managed to get dressed :p In clean pyjamas now. Little things like that make me happy.

 

Goodbye “Carers”

We’ve cancelled all the carers. This morning I was actually looking forward to the carer coming, as the rota said it was lovely Icelandic carer and she’s awesome. Unfortunately it wasn’t her- the carer who made me really ill on Saturday turned up instead, an hour late. We hadn’t been told that we were getting her, or we would have cancelled in advance, because she makes both of us anxious, doesn’t read or follow the care plan, and doesn’t do anything because I can’t have her touch me since she made me so ill and as she won’t read the care care plan never even stayed long enough to be asked to do some basic housework.

This was the last straw. We’ve been having problems with the agency (DH Healthcare) for months, and things were only getting worse. There is no consistency- the lowest amount of different carers I’ve had is 7 in a week (we got 13 calls a week). Back when I used to have two carers in the evening, it wouldn’t be unusual to have 15 different carers. I’m autistic, so find new people difficult to deal with. They would show up randomly, or not show up at all. Carers on the rota would be replaced with someone randomly. We were never informed of any changes. We had to ban some carers because they were so bad they’d make me ill, and they’d still turn up on the rota so we’d have to cancel the call. The carers that were good and we liked we were seeing less and less of. The agency refused to tell new carers anything about me before arriving, which meant they expected two people with communication problems to do their work for them. Some of the carers were so rough they’d cause me to scream in pain. Some wouldn’t follow any instructions. Some would talk to me in such a way it would make me absolutely terrified. A lot of the carers would rush- my calls were 45 minutes in the morning, 30 minutes for a normal night call and an hour for a bath call specifically so I could take things slowly and rest when I needed to. Most of the carers would not read the care plan, so wouldn’t follow it. There was even one carer who when told what was on the care plan, actually refused to follow it, as she “didn’t do domestic” (my care plan included some basic housework, as it was to try and help Johan out as well). A lot of the carers would not take my communication difficulties into account, even when told about them- I cannot cope with open questions, but they’d persist in asking them. Quite a few wouldย blatantlyย lie- to us, the agency and on the record sheet they are supposed to fill in.

There were some good carers. They’d listen to us, take things slowly, treat us as equals rather than talk down to us, try and help me maintain my dignity while helping me. They’d use their initiative- if there were dishes to be done, they’d do them without having to be asked to. We’re going to miss those carers. Unfortunately I’ve seen very little of them recently, as they very rarely appeared on my rota.

We’ve tried complaining. We’ve had lots of meetings to try and sort things out, and they never were. Johan has also been struggling recently, so hasn’t been able to complain every time something went wrong (which would have meant him having to complain about 5 times a week). I’ve tried telling my social worker, but he doesn’t seem to actually care.

The care agency mostly caters for older people. I am scared for the other people they are meant to be providing care for, as I’m a young person who isn’t afraid to complain, and there have been a lot of problems. I also have Johan to look after me, especially when they’ve just not turned up. They couldn’t meet my needs, but refused to say this and continued to send out people who were not able to deal with them. In the last week there’s been lots on the news about how home care for older people breaches their human rights (for example http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-15836500), and I wasn’t surprised because I’ve experienced some of it for myself.

I know that my needs are quite specific, but most of them aren’t too hard for anyone to implement. I need people who can be quiet when talking to me and working, and who don’t wear strong perfume. I need people to understand that I do have communication issues, so I’d rather they ask specific questions for what I want doing (all listed on the care plan, and I even had a list with just those printed for them). I need people to understand that because my M.E. is variable, there will be days where I’ll want more personal care, and other days when I’m too ill for any, so maybe they could go tidy the kitchen a bit instead. If for some reason I can’t cope with them being here (sometimes when I’m very ill I can’t cope with any extra noise or movement) they need to leave as soon as we tell them.

The biggest things I need though are consistency. I need a low number of total carers, so we can teach them our ways. I need them to come when they say they’re going to (at the same times each week), and to tell us if there’s going to be any changes. I also need them not to come early, as I find that causes me to panic (though they can be up to an hour late, I’d like to be told if it’ll be more than half an hour, though).

We’re currently trying to swap to direct payments, and although we were initially after a personal assistant, we’ve now realised that just going with a different care agency may work instead. My care plan is also out of date, as it was written up in May, when I was able to do a lot more for myself. Most of my personal care Johan can do, though he struggles a bit with washing my hair and plaiting (he’s gotten good at brushing it now I have a tangle teezer) and isn’t confident with the idea of brushing my teeth. He really needs help with housework though, and that’s one of the things my care package is meant to help with, so he can concentrate on looking after me.

This has got a bit long, so I’m going to leave it there, but I’m relieved that I don’t have to worry about the carers any more. Hopefully things will start to improve soon.