Teeth SortedΒ 

Yesterday I went into hospital to have my teeth sorted under a general anaesthetic. Considering I have severe ME, it went about as well as it could have.

The ambulance with the stretcher was late, but we were expecting that and I was second on the list because we knew I’d not be getting in for 8am (I probably would have been first otherwise). The journey was horrible but I listened to music to help cope with the noise (along with wearing my earplugs and ear defenders) and used Google maps to see how long it would be. Got there and was put in a side room which was good.

Not too much later we went through what was going to happen, consent and stuff. Johan filled in the forms and signed for me (I gave verbal consent for him to do everything) and they took my blood pressure and heart rate. Blood pressure was normal (higher than my normal but I was anxious) but my heart rate was bouncing around, but only between 99 and 120ish bpm so not too bad for me. When I say my heart is doing funky dances, that’s part of what I mean. Once I told them that was normal for me they accepted it.

I’d made up a personal information sheet that was two sides of A4, that we laminated as we could only find A3 lamination sheets and I was also making a communication board so put them in the same sheet πŸ˜› I based it off a friend’s version and I think it really helped them understand me. It explained my normal difficulties, medication, what to do if certain things happened (if I go nonverbal, if I have a panic attack, etc.) and what not to do, especially sitting me up (which is normal procedure). It’s generic enough that it’ll be useful as a normal emergency sheet, and will just need updating if anything changes.

After that stuff we had a little wait, then got told off for my chocolate consumption (I think keeping my weight up is more important, and the acid reflux is probably more damaging in the long run). Johan struggled to get compression socks on me (I ended up doing one and hurt my hands, he managed the second after being shown how) and I had a gown put over my pyjamas and it was off to theatre. I took Po with me as I knew having a penguin there when I woke up would help. I also wore my sunglasses as it was really bright.

In theatre it was the usual confirmation of who I was, and then I was asked if the signature on the consent forms was mine. When I said no the guy jumped backwards and some of the other staff laughed. Then he confirmed that it was Johan’s signature and that we both knew what was happening, the risks and stuff. Next everyone but the anaesthetists left and one of them started looking for a vein in my hand. Because I had already hurt my hands earlier, the tapping on the back of my hand was absolute agony. I think it hurt more than the canulla being inserted and that’s bad enough. Fluids and meds were given, then they gave me some oxygen, then they told me they were putting me to sleep and injected a stinging liquid. Not too much later I was asleep.

Waking up I was very groggy. I remember feeling Po under my hand which helped with my anxiety, then being very shivery and then had warmed blankets put on me. That felt really nice as I became aware of it. Johan came in, and I asked for my eye mask because it was too bright with just my sunglasses. He was talking to me but I can’t really remember anything of it. They removed two teeth and filled 4 more, mostly at the back. I’m down to two wisdom teeth now.

Got wheeled back to the side room (the movement was horrendous) and the light was turned off which helped. Was still very fuzzy and I think I drifted off to sleep a few times. Was asked about pain, said my face was okay (it hurt but not too much) but my body was really bad. Was told I could have my normal tramadol and a drink and that helped. After a bit more time I was able to swap to my sunglasses and talk to Johan a bit. Asked about my teeth pain again and it was okay, so they called for the ambulance and they turned up.

The journey home was not exactly fun. They kept the main lights off in the back of the ambulance, and I listened to music with my ear plugs and defenders on. I also watched the map so I could tell how long it would be before we got home, which helped as I don’t like not knowing what is going on. When it said 1 minute from home I started feeling really nauseous, but was able to cope knowing it wouldn’t be long.

Ambulance guys got me back into my room, and Johan hoisted me back into bed (the hoist sling had stayed under me the entire time, which isn’t too bad if I’m not sitting on it). One of the ambulance guys asked us to let them know when I next need them so they can take the day off (the path and ramp from the road to our flat is very steep- everyone who has to push me up it complains) then they left. Johan gave me some more water and some jelly which helped me be a bit less hungry and thirsty, then some cyclizine a little later as the nausea wasn’t improving.

I spent the rest of the day on my tablet as so long as I didn’t move, I didn’t feel too bad. The worst pain was in the hand the canulla had been in, which I took as a good sign. It also seems my contact allergy to adhesives has improved, as the sticker around the canulla was fine (unlike last time where it was a horrible itchy rash). The ECG pads were still a bit red and itchy but not too bad.

I woke up a few times during the night, and my main problem was thirst as I was too tired to call Johan and as I’m not allowed to suck I didn’t have my hydrant (or can be used without sucking but we were worried I’d forget if tired, and I really want to avoid dry socket if possible). I was able to ask Johan eventually for some water (plus electrolyte tablet as the salts are good). He gave me my meds and once they kicked in my pain levels were back to Danni normal, which is still really bad pain but bearable.

Ended up sleeping again for a bit, then woke up as the carer came in and got annoyed that she put the washing machine on as it was too noisy. (To be fair to her, if the doors are closed it usually doesn’t disturb me too much, and she hadn’t been told not to put it on). Put my ear defenders and sunglasses on (my eye mask has ear muffs but they don’t block as much noise as my ear defenders) and that helped. I didn’t feel up to having any personal care done and wasn’t allowed to have my teeth brushed yet, so just said a few words and I’ll see her this evening.

We had our new dryer delivered this morning, after the guy who came out to do the repair due to the big fire risk thing said it would still be a fire risk after. As I wasn’t feeling too bad once I’d woken up a bit and stuff I told Johan he could test it, and though it’s pretty noisy for the first couple of minutes it then goes really quiet (to the point where the wind was disturbing me more). As I can put ear plugs in and ear defenders on we’ll be able to use it so long as I’m not in payback or relapse. It has a wetness sensor and seems to work faster than our old one, so I’m looking forward to soft warm towels and pyjamas again.

Other than a bit more tired I’m not too bad right now. Have been eating jelly, soup and milkybar desserts, and finally tried out my new cup which is designed for use lying down, has two handles and needs less tilting. I can manage it myself if I’m passed it so I’m really happy with it. Once I’m over the worst of this recovery I think I’ll be using it for hot drinks as I don’t really like using a straw for them. Until then it’ll be sugar free juice with electrolyte tablets.

I read that tomorrow will be the worst day as that’s when the swelling kicks in, and is also when my payback tends to start. I’m hoping it’s not too bad, but need to ask Johan to get some ice packs in the freezer in preparation. I’m also getting rather tired now so might nap again.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

I hope everyone had a good winter holiday season, and that this year will be good to you. I had a lovely time just before Christmas and on Christmas Day, but overdid it a bit and so it’s taken me a couple of weeks to recover. Annoying but nothing I’m not used to.

It’s been a busy time the last month or so. I managed to go out again a few days after my last post, going to Nando’s and then Tesco (couldn’t really go into Newcastle as the Metro was off), and lots of WoW for a bit. I did most of my Christmas shopping on Black Friday and then got payback from that so rested lots.

Tuesday 6th December I managed to go to Enchanted Parks with Sammie (and Johan and Sammie’s grandparents). The event itself wasn’t very good this year (based on Shakespeare, but there was less to do and see than last year and it was hard enough for the adults to understand) but being able to go out with Sammie made it worth it, even though it was chucking it down with rain. It was the first time I’d been able to do that in years, but next time maybe I’ll find somewhere a bit better (and less wet).

The next morning was attempt number 1 at going to the hospital for the dental surgery pre-assessment. We got there, and they couldn’t see me because I was on a stretcher (the previous week Johan spent a long time on the phone trying to tell them I was going to be coming on a stretcher, but kept getting passed around until finally arriving at a dead end). Attempt number 2 was meant to be the day after, but just before I was due to be picked up the lift on the ambulance broke (it’s kinda needed to get the stretcher in and out.

Friday morning was my PIP assessment. I was having payback from going out that week, and was non-verbal. The assessor tried to say she couldn’t assess someone who can’t speak (it’s a benefit for those who are long term disabled. And I have an appointee.) but she spoke to her supervisor and I dunno what they said but it was able to happen. Johan answered the majority of the questions for me, and I typed when I had something to add. By the end of it it was obvious to Johan I was struggling (kept hitting the wrong buttons on my text to speech app so it was saying things randomly) but I’m not sure if the assessor picked up on it. At least she seemed to understand that trying to get me to sit up was a bad idea, and I think she might have got an idea of how much help I needed by the end of it? The decision hasn’t been made yet so I just need to wait.

A week later the council came and cut down my tree πŸ™ I am still sad about that, as the last few years I’ve been watching the birds out my window and seeing how the leaves change, and now I won’t be able to do that. On the 15th we had attempt number 3 at pre-assessment appointment, and though it was meant to be around 11.30am and ended up being nearer 2pm (they were in surgery longer than expected) it ended up being successful. I’m getting my teeth sorted under a general anaesthetic on the 10th of January, and I warned them about the things that I needed them to know (don’t sit me up, don’t give me paracetamol, being non-verbal isn’t anything to worry about).

Sammie came over to get her Christmas and birthday presents on the 22nd, which made me very happy. I love speaking to her. It feels weird being the mother of a 13 year old now. I also spoke to her on Christmas Day for a few hours via video chat and she showed me some of her presents. I am slightly jealous of her VR headset πŸ˜› Our neighbour insisted on making us Christmas dinner (even though Johan tried to tell her he was cooking for us) so we ended up having one from her on Christmas day. It was nommy, even after reheating (I was asleep when it was made). Johan made ours on Boxing day (Sammie’s birthday) and that was also nommy reheated. Johan wins on potatoes though πŸ˜› I wasn’t well enough to talk to Sammie that day but I did email her and she liked the email πŸ™‚

For Christmas I got several penguins and penguin items (yay penguins!), a couple of new looms for loom knitting, chocolates, a handmade photo frame (from Sammie, with a photo of us two from when she was a toddler) and some smaller items. I also got so many cards that my 20 card holder wasn’t big enough so we had to find other places to put them. With that and two Christmas dinners I was very spoilt. I managed to watch the CBeebies version of the Nutcracker (which I really enjoyed even though I’m not the target audience), then the Christmas church service on telly. It was a good day even if I did end up sleeping a lot of it.

After Christmas I crashed a bit. I spent a lot of time sleeping, and when I was awake I was feeling rather rotten and out of it. New Year’s Eve Johan gave me a wash, and we had a cuddle while watching the fireworks as 2017 came in. I paid for that afterwards but it was worth it. Today is the first day I’ve been feeling well enough to do anything productive, though even this morning I was non-verbal. On Sunday our dryer will finally be made safe to use again after about a year (it was one of the ones affected by the fault that can cause lint to end up inside it and go on fire. We don’t want a fire). With having a general anaesthetic on Tuesday we’re expecting that I’ll need a lot of rest so are planning to keep things quiet for a bit afterwards. I’m hoping the payback won’t be too bad and that I don’t end up relapsing. We’ll see though.

TL/DR: I saw Sammie (twice!), there was Christmas and I spent most the time asleep or poorly πŸ˜›

Brain broked but stuff happened

Physically I have got better. Cognitively I have got worse. This is not unexpected but very annoying. I am struggling to understand even simple things like my bank account and emails.

Because of this, Johan is now my Appointee when it comes to the DWP. This means he’s responsible for contacting them, filling in forms, and my money now goes into his account (which he then sends to mine because the bills come out of it, but when we’re able he’s going to be added to my account so he can manage it as well). We were worried that they’d say I didn’t need an appointee but instead they asked why it had taken so long. It was very hard for me to admit that I needed that help, and as soon as I’m consistently well enough to manage it Johan is going to hand control back to me.

Johan had his PIP renewal. We were a bit scared as it was only a 6 page “has anything changed” form and then we didn’t hear anything for weeks, but it’s been renewed again at the same rates so we don’t need to worry for now. My DLA to PIP transfer is in progress- we’ve now got the form that Johan needs to fill in. He says it’ll be easier than filling in his own, and he even managed the phone call to initiate it okay. We’re going for our usual tactic of sending tons of supporting evidence (mostly my care plans, where it says they’ll find me in bed both calls) and hope it goes smoothly.

As I’ve been doing better physically I have been out of bed a bit. I’ve been in the living room and to Newcastle (I went to the yarn shop! I bought yarn!). I saw Snow Dogs and they are awesome. I also went to the local park for the fireworks display and it was good, though people kept climbing over me while we were in the queue for food (we think they didn’t realise how long the chair was so thought there was a gap when there wasn’t). I wore my penguin onesie and was nice and warm. I’m definitely glad I managed to go, and hope to go next year. We’re planning on putting lights on my chair and skipping the food queues though πŸ™‚

I have a shower chair now so I’ve had two showers! Showers take a lot out of me and the chair isn’t quite supportive or padded enough but person from CFS team has suggested using towels to make it better and we’re going to try that. I am so glad that it’s here now though. The main thing stopping me using it is not being awake and well enough at the same time Johan is available to shower me.

Last week we finally got my new hoist slings with head support. I’ve tried them and they make it so much easier and mean my head no longer flops backwards and my neck doesn’t get sore! We’re not sure if one will fit in my normal going out changing bag, but if not I’ll just get a bigger one.

I saw mental health team. They can’t help me because I’m not at high enough risk. Blegh. I’m both glad that I’m not that ill mentally, and frustrated that they couldn’t help even with suggestions. Last night fireworks going off made me really out of it, but I was also able to describe what was going on to Johan (he was with me at the time). I think it’s the first time I’ve been able to do that, explain what’s going on in my brain while it’s happening, but I don’t know how to stop it and I was exhausted afterwards and slept all night then all day. That was not in the plan.

I went to the local hospital for a smear test and coil change. Was funny the first time I went as they didn’t know I’d be in a stretcher, most of the information they had was wrong, and they didn’t know where to put me. They figured it out though (they had a second waiting room that had a curtained off bit- they put me there with a guard nurse at the door) and the doctor took my smear. I went back a few weeks later for the smear to be repeated as the first one didn’t have enough cells, and this time the doctor changed my coil as well as he didn’t want me having to go back there again. The second time they had two rooms ready for me- one in case I could stay on the stretcher like the first time, and since I couldn’t (the ambulance guys needed it for other people) they kicked a doctor out of his office so I could go on the only bed in the department that lies flat. It wasn’t exactly fun, but the coil change went about as well as it could have and I was in less pain than the day before, so I appreciate that. My second smear came back normal so I don’t need to worry for 3 years now, and 5 years for the coil. I’ve been a bit crampy and moody since but hopefully that’ll calm down in the next few weeks.

I have a hospital appointment at the beginning of December about my dental surgery. It’s going to be at a further away hospital, which will be the furthest I’ve travelled in over 4 years. Hopefully it won’t take too much longer after that to have my broken teeth removed- one of them has had a temporary filling in for over a year.

I’ve been playing a lot of World of Warcraft since Legion came out. I’ve done all the current quest lines, got all three artifacts for my Priest, and am concentrating on levelling my Discipline one. I’m okay doing most World Quests, LFR and normal dungeons. I’m too scared to try heroic or mythic dungeons yet, though since I have a 853 item level I am geared enough. Part of the problem is that I don’t really know how to heal with the new Disc system- in LFR it doesn’t matter too much if I’m not sure what I’m doing as there are other healers, but in a dungeon I’m the only one. I’m considering learning Holy for it, but I think I need my brain to work better first. WoW is a lot of fun though, and I’m glad I’m able to spend a decent amount of time in it (mostly at night while Johan is asleep).

The biggest problem my cognitive issues is causing is I can’t initiate conversation now. I can know what I need to say and who I need to say it to, but without a prompt I just can’t do it, and I don’t know how to explain that. Replying to someone is easier but still really difficult, especially if I don’t know the person that well. I’m also muddling up or forgetting words and stuff much more these days, which if nothing else gives Johan something to laugh at (as he hears most of them). It’s so frustrating needing to do something but not actually being able to do it, even though I technically know how.

Johan is now very busy. He’s in Newcastle 3-4 times a week now, and he’s taken up running so does the 5k park runs most Saturday mornings, and goes to the gym when he can to do more running. If I’m asleep at the wrong times, I sometimes don’t see him for more than a few minutes while he sorts me out in between stuff and sleeping. Both the exercise and being out regularly is helping him a lot, and what he’s doing now might lead to a career in the future. I struggle quite a bit if I’m awake while he’s out, but it’s mostly feeling vulnerable- if something happens, I can’t do anything about it. It also means my pads leak more which isn’t fun. We’ve asked our social worker to change the call times so I’m not left alone for quite as long (the morning call moved to lunchtime so Johan can sort me out before he leaves then the carer can sort me out a few hours later) and also for the evening call to be made much later so I don’t need to cancel it whenever I’m able to go out. He’s put the request in but I don’t know how long it’ll take.

The agency finally stopped trying to send the bad carer in October. It took my social worker putting it in the contract not to send her before they’d stop. I’ve had several carers say they’d happily do those calls if asked, so it’s not that no-one wants to deal with me, but they kept insisting she was the only person available. I’ve still not heard anything about my official complaint (that I put in during July) so once everything else has calmed down we’ve got that to chase up. It’s the usual problems we’re having with the care agency now- most of the carers are lovely and do their best, but there’s a complete lack of organisation and communication, and I still don’t get rotas so get panicky every weekend as I don’t know who’s coming.

At some point I need to see my GP as my antiemetic has started causing tachycardia and palpitations, which stops me sleeping and is very uncomfortable. I can reduce my heart rate manually for a bit (by holding my breath and tensing my muscles- I discovered it myself years ago when I thought I was panicking but was actually having POTS attacks, and it turns out it’s an actual treatment) but it eventually goes back up and the palpitations stay. I’ve been on it for several years without problem so I’m really annoyed this has started now, as it was the third one I tried and I really like not vomiting. Hopefully we can fit it in around Johan being out all the time.

I’ve now written a blog post that’s too long for me to read. That’s probably a sign I should publish it. Hopefully there aren’t any massive mistakes in it.

Penguins Are Still The Best

It’s been a busy couple of months. I currently have an actual social worker, and he sorted out a care home (which went well) and is helping to try and sort out the care agency problems I’m having. They’re still sending that particular care worker that I can’t cope with, so I’m now panicking a lot and not having stuff I need doing done. My main care workers have complained, I put in an official complaint (which I’ve heard nothing about) and my social worker has complained, but they keep sending her. I’m not sure what to do as I’m spending all my energy on panicking instead of useful or fun stuff.

Johan went to Sweden and he had a very good time. I went into the care home I requested (as the previous one couldn’t take me due to renovation work) and though there were a few communication issues overall it went about as well as it could. I even managed two baths which was amazing! I managed to make a pair of slipper socks while in there, watched the ESA Marathon that Johan was in Sweden for, and went to a open day for the floor upstairs from where I was staying and stole two helium balloons. I also slept a lot and had to reassure the staff that was normal.

Since then I managed to go out for my sister’s birthday, which was the same day as our 6th wedding anniversary. We went for a meal in Newcastle which was nice. I had Chinese starters and a couple of desserts as I was too slow and full for a main πŸ™‚ It’s the first family event I’ve managed to make in a long time so I’m really happy I was able to go out for it.

I bought a Haribo cake for our anniversary, which we started yesterday. It is rather yummy and doesn’t have icing on that Johan doesn’t like, but does have sweets on top. Haribo Starmix are Johan’s favourite sweets at the moment, so it works well for both of us. 

Since I got home from the care home I’ve seen my social worker again, and have got dates for changing my coil and seeing the community mental health team. For the CMHT I got a bit worried when they said it was in a clinic, as I wasn’t sure I could manage talking for an hour and a half at the same time as sitting up (both use energy and mine is limited). Luckily they phoned Johan and told us that it was going to be at home so I don’t need to worry about not fainting in my chair, just on being able to manage an assessment for 90 minutes. I’m hoping they have some ideas on how to cope with stuff that affects me but I have no control over, because panicking and having meltdowns (they’re different) are both extremely exhausting even when you don’t have a chronic illness. 

The best thing that’s happened this month is seeing Sammie today πŸ™‚ She came over to bring me presents from her holiday and chatting to her is amazing, as is being able to cuddle her in real life. I’m so proud of how she’s doing so well. Johan worries about her, especially when she stays up past her bedtime. It’s quite funny how he’ll keep reminding us what time it is. She’s still growing and is visibly taller than Johan now. I don’t think it’ll be too much longer before she’s taller than me.

I enjoyed watching the Olympics when it was on. I mostly saw some of the artistic gymnastics as I wasn’t well enough to watch all I wanted to see, and I was really impressed by Simone Biles and how she flies through the air. I’m looking forward to the Paralympics and hoping to watch a lot of that. Just need to have the energy to manage it.

When I get on my computer I’m mostly playing World of Warcraft. I’ve pre-ordered the Collector’s Edition of Legion, and if I’m going to be awake and well enough for launch I’ll get the digital version so I can play immediately, but if I’m not I’ll wait until the box arrives. I’ve been enjoying doing the prelaunch invasions and quests, and hopefully I’ll figure out how to DPS heal as a discipline priest before I get too far in. Johan has been levelling loads of characters through invasions and he’s not sure which one will be his main, or his first to level 110.

On my tablet I’m mostly playing Minesweeper. It’s slower and a bit harder than on PC as you don’t have separate buttons for flagging and uncovering, but I’ve managed to get under 200 seconds on expert which makes me happy. I’m still playing most of my other mobile games but only in bits and pieces. I’m also reading a lot of Reddit when I’m not feeling up to much, as it doesn’t matter if I lose track of what I’m doing. I hope to get back to reading books when things calm down. I’m still happy though, and have many plans that I’m working on πŸ™‚

30 Already?!

I somehow can’t quite believe that I’m now 30 years old. As my life basically went into standby 5 years ago, I don’t feel much older than I did then.

Had an up and down month. Body misbehaving. Another period (I think there were 2 weeks between them). Neighbours fighting at night. Care agency problems. Meltdowns. Hypersomnia. Talking to awesome people online. Watching lots of penguins. Finally watching Star Trek: Into Darkness (a present Becca got me yonks ago). Overall I’m doing okay, but I still wish I could be doing better.

My birthday was really awesome. The best present I got was Sammie coming over for a visit! That couple of hours talking to Sammie in person has kept me going through all the bad bits. She’s so amazing and I’m incredibly proud of her. She also gave me light up penguins and a holographic penguin card that I’ll have to put up somewhere more permanently. I also got a Fluttershy soft toy, a colour changing egg light, a massiveΒ Candy ChaosΒ box (that was from Johan- he knows how to make me happy) Β and so many really awesome cards and good wishes. It was really an amazing day and I feel so lucky to have so many people care about me.

Another thing I got really excited about was the Post Pals party. I never thought I could get so excited about a party I wasn’t going to πŸ˜› Post Pals is one of my favourite charities and it was awesome seeing all the planning and then the photos and videos of the Pals enjoying themselves. I’m not able to send letters or gifts very often (writing letters/emails and choosing gifts are often too much for me) but I am able to bug other people to do so.

Saw the district nurses. Told them my pads are leaking, but as I’m already on the highest absorbency they can prescribe they’re not sure what to do. The same day they came out I got a new delivery and it turns out the company has changed them to be even worse. I’m now buying my own more absorbent ones to use while Johan’s at his day service and at night in an attempt to not need to change the bedding every day.

Was meant to see the community mental health team about coping with meltdowns since I can’t use my normal coping mechanisms (movement/loud music) but they couldn’t find a psychologist to come out so they didn’t come. I’m not sure what’s going on there now.

Saw CFS team. Told them have been up and down and other stuff, including that I still don’t have the right hoist slings or a shower seat yet. They’re going to try and chase things again and I’m to keep doing what I’m doing until I start improving.

Have been watching loads of penguins. The chicks are getting so big now! There’s even been a couple of rockhopper intruders recently (kings are visible lots but I’ve only seen rockhoppers a couple of times).

I’ve started loom knitting. It’s like loom bands but with yarn πŸ™‚ I’ve made a hat so far and I’m working on a matching scarf. The acrylic that came in the set I bought is quite scratchy, but I’ve read it’ll get softer in the wash so I’m hopeful that’s the case. I’m very slow at it and I have to take lots of breaks, but I’m so glad to have found a craft my hands don’t complain too much about.

I’ve also started on Duolingo. Concentrating mostly on French, but also learning German and Swedish for fun. Some of the phrases it gets me to say are interesting: two that are memorable are “Nous avons vingt enfants!” – We have 20 children in French, and “Ich bin eine banane” – I am a banana in German. Since “I am a banana” is one of the phrases I repeat when my brain is being silly and I’m trying to say something else. It’s almost as if it knew πŸ™‚ I’m doing okay at the reading and speaking, but my spelling (especially in German) and listening is terrible. The app can be a bit fussy on the speaking as well- I’ll say something three times the exact same way, but it’ll only accept it the last time. It’s fun and hopefully I’ll get back to being able to read in French and maybe know enough German and Swedish to be able to identify it.

There’s 11 days until Johan goes to Edinburgh, the day before going to Sweden. We don’t have a care home sorted yet as apparently my respite provision ran out in June and they didn’t tell us until after the date, despite us giving them plenty of notice. Johan is getting help from the day service so hopefully we’ll get it sorted soon. He’s definitely going though, so they need to sort something out as I can’t manage alone.

The care agency keeps sending a carer we’ve asked them not to send multiple times now. She hurts me when touching me and needs so much guidance for making food that the only thing I can have done is my teeth brushed, which is a waste of an hour call. One of my main carers has told the agency not to send her multiple times, and I had one of the supervisors come out and she also told them I didn’t want to have her, but she is still coming. It’s in my care plan that the carers will make phone calls on my behalf as I can’t do it. I also still don’t have a rota or my evening calls at the right time. I think we’re going to have to put in an official complaint as my wishes are being completely ignored and they’re making me more ill. Not sure how I’m going to do it but it’s not the first time they’ve done this.

Next week will be mostly sorting everything that needs to be sorted for Johan going to Sweden, and me resting lots so I’m able to get to whatever care home it ends up being. There’s also a church service I want to go to next week but that very much depends on my health. I managed to go vote in the EU referendum, but other than that I’ve not been out since May. (The leave result really scares me, as the EU has given us at least a small amount of protection against the Tory government. I think it’s only going to get worse from here but there’s nothing I can do about it so I’m trying not to worry.) Hopefully my body will calm down and I’ll be able to get out of bed and do more soon πŸ™‚

Life Is Better With Penguins

The following blog post may not make any sense.

For some reason the Edinburgh Zoo Penguin Cam doesn’t work directly with Chromecast, which meant I had to ask Johan to stream the tab when I wanted to watch and wasn’t well enough to go on my computer. I got a bit fed up with that, and decided that I wanted an Android TV stick so I could watch when I wanted. After some investigation, the Amazon Fire TV Stick seemed the best (especially as it was Β£5 cheaper than normal) so I bought that. I’ve added some of my own apps and it not only works for penguins, but I prefer the Twitch app as well (displays the chat on the telly) and I can sideload basically any Android app I want on there. I’m glad I bought it.

I’m just coming out of a bad patch. I was confused by it at the beginning, as I’d been doing okay and then I couldn’t get into the living room and couldn’t even have hugs as I was too ill. I was also experiencing more abdominal pain than is normal even for me. The explanation arrived on Tuesday- my period had arrived. I’m not sure how long it had been since my last one, but I didn’t cope with it very well. Luckily I seem to be nearly done with it, so I’m hoping to go back to how I was at the beginning of May again.

I’m slowly replacing some of the stuff I use daily and is becoming raggedy because of this. This week it’s been my penguin pet cushion (used to support my arm in bed and my head in my wheelchair). I’d forgotten how big and fluffy they are when new. I’ll be keeping the old one as a spare, as they’re the exact right size and shape for me (and folding them works great for supporting my head) but it’s nice to have a new clean one. The other advantage of having two is I can have one in the wash while using the other one.

Poseidon also demanded a new body as his feathers were scraggly. The super soft fluffy fleece most ofΒ my penguins and cushionsΒ are made of is great, but when they spend all their time in bed with me they’re less soft and fluffy after a while. Since I was ordering the Fire TV on Prime Now and they sold the exact baby emperor penguin body that Po has, he got lucky and I was able to get him one (penguin magic was involved). He’s now big and fluffy and is very happy.

I managed to fix my tablet! I don’t know why the camera wasn’t working in Marshmallow, but I did a factory reset and reinstalled everything and now it all works. I’m so happy as it means I can now use video chat again and take selfies when I want to.

I’m a bit scared now there’s just over 2 weeks until my 30th birthday. I’ve got no idea what I want to do for it, though if I’m well enough to go out that would be amazing. Johan keeps asking what I want for a present and I don’t know that either. My life is very different to what I thought it would be, but I’m hopeful my 30s will be better than my 20s. I hope I’ll stop being mistaken for a teenager then as well πŸ™‚

I’ve been reading the Young Wizards series by Diane Duane recently. I’m currently partway through A Wizard of Mars. I’ve got the New Millennium editions on ebook, which I’m glad about as in A Wizard Alone there’s an autistic character that was portrayed really badly in the original book, but in the new edition it’s actually really good and he chooses to remain autistic when given the option of changing himself. I’d read a couple of books in the series years ago in the library, but it’s really good to be able to read them all in order.Β Dairine is probably my favourite character, and displays many autistic traits herself (though these aren’t identified as such in the series). The world has been a great one to escape into and I’m trying not to go too quickly as I think I’m going to be annoyed when I run out of books.

Feeling really bleh and drained now, so I think more rest is needed. Until I’m doing better, I think it’s time for more penguins. Penguins make everything better.

Blogging Against Disablism Day 2016: What I Want To See

This is a post for Blogging Against Disablism Day 2016. Please visit the website to see the other posts. It’s a day late as it’s my second attempt at a post (thanks brain fog).

These are things I want to see. It is not exhaustive.

I want to see more people like me in fiction, as normal characters. Disabled, different, maybe chronically ill, but that being only part of what the character is about.

I want to see more progress in making things accessible for more disabled people. More ramps, lifts, alternative formats for information. More changing places toilets (toilets with a hoist, adult changing bench, plenty of room for a wheelchair and carers and other facilities for severely disabled people). Less blocking access, displays making it impossible to pass in a wheelchair, less unnecessary noise and strobe lights.

I want to see disabled people accepted for who they are. Not used as inspiration porn or pitied. Disability is a normal part of life so should be treated as such.

I want less overt and covert discrimination against disabled people. Less refusal to make reasonable adjustments. Less making disabled people jump through hoops non-disabled people don’t have to do.

I want to see more access information provided on websites, and the websites themselves to be accessible. I want that information to be easy to find, not requiring looking through layers of menus to discover.

I want people to see disability equipment to be seen for what they are, tools that enable people to do what they want easier (or at all). Wheelchairs and scooters are awesome and allow so many people to do more than they otherwise could.

I want people to be valued for who they are, not what they’re able to do. We all deserve a full, peaceful, dignified life, making our own choices as much as able.

I want variable disabilities to be understood better. Just because someone can do something at one time, that doesn’t mean they can do it the next time, or in different circumstances, or more than once.

I want the harassment of disabled people to end, especially by governments and the media. I want benefits to be easier and quicker to claim, without the presumption that we’re all frauds. We’re not to blame for the financial crisis.

I want to see disabled people living where they want, with the help they need to do so. I want to see hospitals only used when absolutely required and for the shortest period that’s needed. I want carers to receive the help they need to care for their loved ones if they want to.

I want people to be seen as individuals. We all have our own life experiences, likes, dislikes and thoughts. We’re not just a collection of diagnoses.

I want to see a nicer, more equal world. I believe it’s possible.

How Did It Get to April?

The problem with sleeping a lot and randomly is that time somehow disappears so one day it’s February and then suddenly it’s the middle of April.

I’ve been very up and down the last few weeks. Still got issues with the care agency. ESA form is in so I’m waiting to hear if I’m still in the support group, and if so for how long. Some time spent on my computer but nowhere near as much as I’d like, and not at all for about two weeks until this week. I’ve not been in my chair much either, though did go into the living room for a bit and outside for 5 minutes to try and spot the International Space Station (and failed due to clouds) at the beginning of the month. I’m hoping to be able to go properly out again soon. Esther has moved out, as our flat was just too small for the three of us, especially with my health being affected by everything (she was a great flatmate, and her new place is better for work so I’m hoping it goes well for her).

Easter was good. Eggs and bunnies were bought and eaten. I managed to watch the church service on the telly which was awesome as I miss going to church. I’ve looked into inclusive church services that happen at a time that I can actually get to them (there’s no chance of me getting anywhere for 10am, especially on a Sunday) and I’ve found one that looks really promising, so when I have the spoons I’m hoping to email them about the stuff I need to know (how accessible is it, whether there’s a set routine or service I can learn and follow, how noisy it gets). Emails are hard even when I know what I want to say.

April is also autism awareness/acceptance month. I’ve done pretty much nothing for it, other than speak to my GP for help with my anxiety and ways of coping before I end up in meltdown (unfortunately happening all too regularly due to care agency stuff, like being yelled at by a care worker, or someone I don’t know letting themselves into our flat and into my bedroom with no notice, name or ID- the first I knew of it was when I rolled over and she was there, as I had earplugs in). I think this was the first time I’d told a doctor about my meltdowns, as when they happened once a year it wasn’t that important for them to know. It’s also in my care plan now, along with what to do (leave me alone and if Johan is in, get him- it might be scary seeing me hit or bite myself but I’m not likely to hurt myself too badly and the worst thing you can do is talk to me or try and touch me). Unfortunately most of my coping/prevention methods involve things I can’t do due to being so ill with ME, so I’m not sure what to do, especially when our ways of trying to prevent them (like telling the care agency not to use the key safe except for care calls, and to contact us in advance before turning up) are being ignored.

My GP was awesome as always. She seemed to understand that a meltdown is different from a panic attack (though I still get plenty of them, normally at night when the neighbours are arguing). She’s not got many ideas yet, but she’s going to see if there’s someone who understands autism who may be able to help me come up with some coping strategies. I don’t get why I’m so nervous about seeing her when she’s always so nice and tries to help, even though I’m not the easiest person in the world to deal with (yay neurological illness with no currently known effective treatment and communication difficulties due to autism!). She even sorted out an antihistamine prescription for Johan even though it was my appointment.

I’m still getting used to the side effects of cetirizine I’m taking for hay fever (even though there are no leaves on my tree yet there’s definitely pollen around). Mostly extra drowsiness and dopiness, though it might also be why I’m getting worse headaches than normal. Luckily it’s nothing that I can’t cope with and it’s worth it so my eyes aren’t as sore and itchy.

I got selected from the waitlist to buy Here Active Listening ear buds. They work well for what I want them for (turn down certain noises while still being able to hear what I want, such as turning down background noise while still being able to hear speech) but only when I can actually get them working with my tablet. Unfortunately the left one doesn’t seem to like turning on every time and I’ve had difficulties getting it to connect to my bluetooth, but I’m hoping that it’s just teething issues and they’ll work better soon.

I’ve also recently updated my tablet to Android Marshmallow from Lollipop. While doing so I took the time to encrypt it, so it’s now more secure (though I’ve also turned on smart lock so when I’m at home with it then it’ll automatically stay unlocked, as typing in the password every time would be too much for me). The only bug I’ve found is that the IR Blaster doesn’t seem to be working, which means I can no longer control my telly from my tablet. When I’m not able to press the buttons on the remote myself I’m needing Johan to do it for me. Hopefully that’ll be fixed soon, or I’ll have to look into a touchscreen remote control.

I’m getting excited for Overwatch coming out next month. I’m hoping I’ll be able to get on my computer to play it, as I preordered it. I’m probably going to be terrible but it looks fun anyhow. Today I managed to get my Diablo Wizard to level 70, which only took a couple of years. Hopefully I won’t take as long with my next character πŸ˜›

I’ve been enjoying watching the Penguin Cam at Edinburgh Zoo, which shows the gentoo penguins and their stone nests. Watching the penguins mate has been interesting, especially as they keep being interrupted by other penguins wanting to steal their stones while they’re doing so. There are quite a few eggs now and hopefully in the next month or so there will be some chicks. Until then there’s lots of stone stealing from nests, and occasionally the king penguins invade, especially at feeding time.

Stickman Communications: When Brain Fog Clouds My Words

I’ve been wanting to blog about the communication issues I’m having, but not been able to. Luckily* I’m not the only one who has these problems, so I can just link to Hannah’s blog post about it instead. This describes what I experience pretty well.


*I wish no-one had to experience this stuff, but I do feel a bit better knowing I’m not the only one.

Happy New Year! 2015 In Review

Happy New Year!

Belated Merry Christmas and Happy Newtonmas πŸ™‚ I had a good Christmas, followed by a short crash but luckily we got things sorted quickly enough it only lasted a few days and I’m back to nearly Danni-normal again πŸ™‚

This month has been up and down a bit, saw the community dentist the second time I tried (first time couldn’t get on the bus because the driver wouldn’t let me on because of prams) and have been referred for my teeth to be sorted out under a general anaesthetic as no other option for me. I went to Enchanted Parks as well and that was awesome. So many pretty lights and displays! Mostly been in bed otherwise but did get up when Sammie came to pick up her presents and talk πŸ™‚ I knew then that no matter what happened it was going to be an awesome Christmas.

On Christmas Day itself I watched a church service on the telly, opened many presents (thank you everyone who sent me cards and presents), had roast hog for dinner, along with Johan’s homemade roast potatoes which were the nicest potatoes I’ve ever had even though it was his first time, and watched the Doctor Who Christmas special which was awesome. A great day. I also spoke to Sammie on both Christmas Day and her 12th birthday which was the best. Totally worth the payback afterwards πŸ˜€

Anyway, every year I fill out a silly survey about the year that just happened. I’ve just watched the new year come in and I’m gonna do it now while I remember πŸ™‚

1. What did you do in 2015 that you’d never done before?
Get a hoist! Meant I could get into my wheelchair and go into Gateshead and Newcastle for the first time in a few years. Also started making things with loom bands.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I managed 2 of 4, and most of my goals (including the 50 books read this year). I’ll make more in the next few days. I’m happy with how I did overall, as a couple were ambitious (and relied on other things happening that didn’t).

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! More babies this year so a Facebook feed full of cuteness!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes πŸ™ My good friend Ron died a few months ago, and my grandma died earlier this month. I was too ill to go to their funerals πŸ™

5. What countries did you visit?
I stayed in the UK, but did go into Gateshead and Newcastle for non-medical reasons! That was awesome!

6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
I need that shower chair still πŸ˜›

7. What dates from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
My memory is terrible for dates, so I’ll remember events (Sammie visiting, Ron and my Grandma dying, going out) but not exactly when they happened.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Going into Newcastle, being in my chair for several hours with the only payback being needing to sleep more. More of that please πŸ™‚

9. What was your biggest failure?
My health and my memory.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Mostly just ME stuff. Got a rough diagnosis of POTS (too ill for a tilt table test) but I’ve had the symptoms of that since I was 12. Nothing new so that’s good I guess πŸ™‚

11. What was the best thing someone bought you?
Like I said last year, I appreciate everything that people bought for me. So many penguins and ponies πŸ˜€ One of my Christmas presents from Sammie is a heart shaped cushion with her on it. I think she’s abseiling but I might be wrong there πŸ˜›

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Same answers as last year: Johan and Sammie πŸ˜› I think Esther has also done really well this year as well.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and/or depressed?
Still the government. Things are getting harder and harder for my friends because of them, and I don’t know how to help πŸ™

14. Where did most of your money go?
Same as last year: food, bills, disability stuff. I did buy a new cooker which was much needed.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
This answer will be obvious to anyone who knows me: Sammie and penguins πŸ˜€ I can add going out to that list this year πŸ˜€

16. What songs will always remind of 2015?
Although I’ve listened to some music this year, I’ve not really listened to anything recent so I don’t think I’ve got a song that would remind me of this year πŸ˜›

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Mostly happier πŸ™‚ Had a few sad periods but I think overall being able to go out has boosted my mood loads, as has being in pretty regular contact with Sammie.
b) fatter or skinnier?
Fatter πŸ˜› As I was underweight, this is a good thing. I’m still not where I need to be but eating has been a bit easier this year. Still malnourished but continuing to work on that.
c) richer or poorer?
About the same.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Going out πŸ˜› Glad I managed it though.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Relapsing, though I did so less than 2014. Being anxious.

20. How do you plan to spend Christmas?
Christmas was spent talking to Sammie, watching telly and eating the amazing roast dinner Johan made me πŸ™‚ Next year, I hope to have the entire tree decorated (this year only managed lights and star, last year it was missing the lights).

21. Did you fall in love in 2015?
The babies! So cute! Especially Amy who came to see me πŸ™‚

22. How many one night stands?
None. Didn’t even try standing this year πŸ˜›

23. What was your favourite TV programme?
Doctor Who, Great British Bake Off and Steven Universe πŸ™‚

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope. Still don’t actually hate anyone. I dislike the government, but that’s different.

25. What was the best book you read?
What If? by Randall Munroe. Thank you Sammie for prodding me to actually read it πŸ™‚

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Google Play Music. They are pretty good at guessing what I want to listen to (though they do get it really wrong sometimes).

27. What did you want and get?
A hoist! Freedom at last! Also spoke to Sammie loads and got to see her. Some support for Johan.

28. What did you want and not get?
A shower chair. Apart from two baths in the care home, I’ve not been clean all year.

29. What was your favourite film of this year?
I’m torn between Big Hero 6 and Inside Out.

30. What did you do on your birthday?
Sleep mostly πŸ™‚ I think I spoke to Sammie as well. Opened lots of amazing presents (including a penguin balloon to walk!).

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Being able to get properly clean at home.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
Tops, leggings and pyjamas. Penguins were also involved πŸ™‚

33. What kept you sane?
This never really changes πŸ™‚ Sammie, Johan, penguins, and friends.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I can’t think of any.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
The welfare cuts again. Sanctions in particular are getting really bad.

36. Who do you miss?
I really miss talking to Ron. It’s not been the same being on Twitter since. He would have been so proud of Johan’s potatoes. I also miss seeing my friends and family, but talking online helps.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Probably Marga and Amy. Amy is adorabubble!

38. What was the best thing you ate?
Johan’s roast potatoes. No contest.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015?
It will take several explanations before people will accept sitting upright is a bad idea. Especially nurses and care assistants.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Here’s a penguin, there’s a penguin and another little penguin. Fuzzy penguin, funny penguin, penguin, penguin duck. (Not actually a song, but I’ve sung it. The duck mentioned belongs to Amy.)